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May 24, 2016

Social Justice Warrior Frenzy of the Day: Make James Bond a Woman!

Yeah, whatever. "Jane Bond."

Here's a crazy idea. If you really wanted to do this, why make her James Bond?

Are these idiots aware that James Bond exists in a particular cinematic universe and works for a fictitious version of a real-world organization? What I'm getting at is why make 007 a woman -- why not just introduce a new female double-oh agent called 009?

A James Bond type adventure, with a double-oh lead, but the lead is a female.

Hell, let's make it more interesting: Her secondary mission goal is to locate and rescue (if he's still alive*) 007, who disappeared while investigating the villain.**

She can liberate 007 from the dungeon near the end, then the two of them can fight their way out.***

The "follow-the-missing-00-agent" is a classic (overused) James Bond opening plot gambit -- the missing agent has already done most of the investigative work, he just disappeared (was killed, usually) before transmitting his findings.

So why not make that missing agent 007? And let this new female agent track him down?

Why is the Social Justice Warrior imagination so incredibly stunted that it cannot even imagine imagining its own new things? Why can it only imagine old things, given a new racial or sexual make-over?

Why are they altogether incapable of any kind of creative or productive thought whatsoever?

Oh that's right: Because these are stupid, useless, trivially-minded people.

* Spoiler alert: Though circumstances would strongly imply he's dead, he was actually captured alive. Alive, and ready for another sequel.

** Bonus: If you keep things super-secret, you could reveal the new actor playing James Bond when 009 discovers him in the villain's dungeon. That is, this would be the public introduction to him.

*** He's recovering from serious injuries so he can't really fight at full Bond Level. He needs a bit of fireman-carrying. That way, the Internet Warrior Nerdprincesses don't have to have a Dreaded Man doing Manlike things at the end. His contributions would be fairly minor. She'd be the one doing most of the fighting. He'd be a sort of pointless sidekick present only for purposes of brand identification -- you know, like Mad Max in Mad Max: Fury Road.

Update: As a Bond fan, I like this idea. I like seeing Bond in new situations. Being the object -- the missing double-oh, the prisoner in need of aid -- would be a new twist. Interesting, maybe, to see Bond needing help.

The only interesting part of the horrific Die Another Day was Bond's pre-credit/mid-credit turn being tortured in a North Korean prison.

The occasional intersection with human-like vulnerability is actually pretty important for a hero. Otherwise, they become invulnerable and can laugh at any threat -- like Bugs Bunny.

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posted by Ace at 03:13 PM

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