Science Proves: All the Best Donuts Are Not Actually True Donuts at All

Exhibit A: The Coffee Roll

Phasers on Star Trek have three settings: Stun, Kill, and Coffee Roll.

Exhibit B: The Eclair.

From the French for "lightning," the eclair was invented by a psychiatrist as a delicious alternative to electroshock therapy for schizophrenics.

Exhibit C: The Cheese Danish

Cheese Danishes have a mix of flavors and textures that make them, in scientific terms, "a gang-bang for your face."

Exhibit D: The Bear Claw.

The bear claw is the bully of the pastry shop window, with a dozen smaller, more effeminate donuts it's turned into its sad little bitches and tricks following behind it.

Exhibit E: The Apple Fritter.

The so-called "Emperor of Pastries" makes your stupid little glazed donut look sad and weak like Barack Obama's gay arms.

Exhibit F: The Cinnamon Bun.

Cinnamon Buns have been proven to be responsible for America's obesity epidemic and diabetic crisis, and also totally worth it.

Bonus: Worst Donuts.

1. Jelly Donuts.

Jelly donuts are always what's left after people eat the real donuts.

Jelly donuts are consolation prizes for losers who came late.

They taste like failure for a reason. If you're eating a jelly donut, that's because you're not a competitor and you don't have any friends to set aside a good donut for you.

2. Plain Donuts.

Plain donuts are also called "not donuts" or "ring-shaped bread."

Plain donuts were invented for parents who don't love their children. They are also sometimes put out as bait for poisoning rats, though they have a 75% failure rate. Rats don't like them either. Sometimes a poisoned plain donut will be found intact, with a dead rat next to it -- rats will lick the poison off the plain donut while avoiding the plain donut itself.

According to Leviticus, you are supposed to pay the dowry of an ugly woman in plain donuts.

3. Powdered Sugar Donuts.

Powdered sugar donuts are made primarily by mental degenerates employed by donut shops as charity hires. They are sometimes called "Retard Donuts."

To compare powdered sugar donuts to the Holocaust would be to trivialize the horror of powdered sugar donuts.

posted by Ace at 03:00 PM

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