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May 08, 2015

Open Blog Challenge: Can You Beat BuzzFeed's Clickbait Headline Writers?

So BuzzFeed annoyed everyone with this headline, which they spread far and wide over their clickbait circuits:

J.K. Rowling Just Served This Epic Clapback To A Hater On Twitter

Incidentally, if you click, you'll see this article merits a "YASSSSS" in BuzzFeed's rating scheme.

So, you're probably thinking: Holy shit, I can't wait to see what Epic shit the world's most famous Muggle said to some internet Hater.

I mean, it garnered the coveted YASSSSS rating which, heretofore, I assumed was just an urban legend kids told their younger brothers to fill their minds with fear and wonder.

Well, if you were excited to learn the answer, You Lose. But I think that's pretty much just BuzzFeed's corporate motto.

BuzzFeed

You Lose.

So here was the "epic" "clapback," whatever the shit that is:


BOOM, huh?

Anyway, lies annoy me, and carnival barking annoys me, and all these trivial little nothings competing for attention by turning themselves into Virtual Walking Sandwich Board Human Advertisements shrieking about this or that Miracle Tonic annoy me.

BuzzFeed is the worst. Oh, lots of other people do this shit, like Upworthy, but BuzzFeed combines Idiocracy-type insidious branding with ubiquity and reach.

I've seen hell: It's miles and miles of smoking corridors with a million internet losers carnival-barking their One Weird Trick and 19 Killer GIFs at you. Forever.

BuzzFeed is like that guy you don't like who's always trying to make himself the center of attention by saying stupid shit like OMG ISN'T THIS GREAT GUYS until you become mentally exhausted and abandon him in the woods with a cigarette and a gun with a single bullet.

The Warden pitched some BuzzFeed style headlines, and I jumped in.

Warden:

Your Mind Will Literally Fucking Explode Like In Scanners When You See Ace In These Yoga Pants

This Furry Thing Doing A Human-Like Thing Is So Incredible That You'll Shoot Your Wife In The Face

Me (bringing the hype down to a realistic level):

You Will Remember What This Little Boy Did For His Dad All the Way Until Your Next Trip to the Shitter

Me, ripping off an old LauraW. joke:

This Puppy's Cuteness Will Fuck You In The Heart With Love-Shaped Dildos

Warden:

This Soldier's Emotional Reunion Will Make You Cry Tears Straight Out Of Your Dick

Me:

19 "Who's the Boss" GIFs That Are So Hilarious You'll Run Right Down Here to Chow My Poop-Vagina

So, I thought of you guys.

Are you smarter than a BuzzFeed contract employee?


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posted by Ace at 07:04 PM

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