Scientists Warn: We've Reached Peak Ass

So Jennifer Lopez released a song called "Booty." One a superficial level, it's about her big fat ass, and how much she loves it. But on the deeper level of metaphor and social critique, it's actually about how she can attract male sexual attention with her big fat ass.

It's not really sexy. It's that other thing, that's like sexy, like when you try to be sexy but everyone feels social humiliation by proxy because you're so transparent about it and fail so hard. What's that called?

Ah right, embarrassing.

Even people who write for liberal publications seem embarrassed for Jennifer Lopez:

Yes, butts are having a moment. Well, maybe butts have already had their moment. It has been a month where no one could stop talking about butts. First Nicki Minaj released the ass-tastic music video for "Anaconda," generating water cooler chat about the video, butts, and what it all means. Then Vogue published an article titled "We're Officially in the Era of the Big Booty." Then the Internet collectively ridiculed Vogue for said article. The New York Times Style section ran a big feature on butts this week, which is how you know butts are having a moment and also how you know that moment is over.

...

Some are calling it pop porn. Some are calling it provocative. Some are calling it exploitative. Some are calling it empowering. But, at this point, it's kind of just boring.

I don't know anything about Nicku Minaj's song, but I do remember older songs about Ass, and I don't mean Sir-Mix-A-Lot. That was intentionally crude and out-of-bounds.

Beyonce's "Check On It" had a deceptively sweet-and-innocent sound to it, when in fact it was all about Beyonce inviting guys at a nightclub to look at her ass and drool. I wouldn't call it subtle, exactly, but it didn't come right and say "Enjoy My Ass."

(Well... actually, she comes pretty close to that. She says you can "have it," so long as you don't "grab it." I guess it comes down to what the meaning of "It" is.)

Kellis' "My Milkshake" seemed to be a Check Out My Ass song, though she did preserve the slightest bit of mystery there by use of oblique wording.

(Incidentally, Lopez seems to rip-off Milkshake not just in terms of lyrical theme but in use of Middle Eastern instruments.)

Both Check on It and My Milkshake were naughty and fairly crude, when you thought about them. But you had to think about them at least a tiny little bit. People would grin as they guessed what "My Mllkshake" could refer to. (Hey, don't overcomplicate it, people: It means exactly what you first thought it meant.)

It's just a sign of how f***ing stupid our culture is that "Milkshake" and "Check On It" are now considered too subtle -- there's too much danger that the audience will fail to connect all the dots -- and so J-Lo will have to spell it right out for you:

H O T

A S S

Idiocracy predicted this, of course.

Idiocracy predicted almost everything.

Reminded by a commenter:

Update: Yeah, subtlety isn't really a selling point anymore.

posted by Ace at 03:56 PM

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