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January 19, 2014

Who's Up For Another "People Write Goofy Reviews on Amazon" Thing?

Sugarless treats are usually made with maltitol or other sugar alcohols, which are carbohydrate that the human body cannot digest and turn into energy.

Bacteria living in the lower intestinal tract can digest them, though. And that's a problem.

Because bacteria in the GI tract have barely ever seen an undigested carbohydrate before. And when suddenly there's a flood of all this wonderful sugar alcohol to metabolize, well, they have An Party.

And that party consists of constant, awful painful flatulence as well the medical syndrome called LCSS (Literally Can't Stop Shitting).

People began reviewing Haribo's Sugarless Gummy Bears noting their LCSS problems, and Buzzfeed collected them up.

From a review titled: “Fully weaponized Gummy Bears”

“The cramping started about an hour later, and soon enough I was as bloated as a balloon in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. When the rumbling started I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to stampede from my backside, laying waste to my home’s septic system AND my will to live. After three hours of a pelvis-shaking Gummy Bear assault, I was spongy and weak, surprised that I had any bones left. I cursed Haribo with the little strength I could muster.”

From the Amazon reviews:

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

These reviews are exaggerated... I think. Whether exaggerated or not, the basic problem of LCSS due to maltitol is real enough.


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posted by Ace at 02:06 PM

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