Ten Years of Nonsense: Ace's Generic Walk-Thru For Every Video Game You've Ever Played

Originally Published December 07, 2004.

First Part of Level

You start in a small room. Outside the door are two guards, talking with each other. It's best if you completely ignore them, because they're voiced by horrible actors and their script is shit, written by game designers who think they're "funny." Usually it's something like "Yeah, I've been meaning to check out that new T-88 Cloudhopper." Your gaming experience will be enhanced if you just immediately walk out the door and shoot them in their stupid fucking faces.

They will offer no resistance.

At this point you have to decide if you're going to use a stealth strategy or a run-and-gun strategy. The run-and-gun strategy is a lot more dangerous, but also a lot more exciting. You can move through the level more quickly, but only if you're willing to die a bunch of times.

The stealth strategy, on the other hand, is a much more cautious, tempered approach, taking account of your enemies' awareness levels and using your ears to listen for footsteps and opening doors. Using a stealth strategy is probably the safest way to beat the level, but it will take you several hours to accomplish this.

Which strategy should you employ? Well, let me ask you this: Are you a total fucking faggit or what? Pick up your fucking gun and start shooting, asshole. This isn't Chutes and Fucking Ladders.

All right, that's settled. So you've shot the first two guards, who didn't even know you were there, so enthralled were they in gossip about intrigue in the Dark Mage's court. Now turn to your left and there's a supply closet. Climb up to the top shelf and break open a box.

Congratulations-- you just got a box of the kind of shitty ammo you never fucking use and which you end every level maxed out with about 1000 of every fucking time you play. But you're gonna take it anyway, aren't you? Every time you're going to climb up that shelf to get that useless fucking shitball ammo, aren't you? Because you're a greedy idiot, and you just can't fucking help yourself.

Good. You got your little prize. Now exit the supply closet and look north. You will see there an Imperial Shuttle/train/helicopter/enchanted castle. Walk towards it.

At some point a bunch of guards will pop out from behind a bunch of cargo boxes. What were they doing there? Shooting craps. Who the fuck knows. They will now shoot at you with bullets and/or "ectoplasm bolts." The best way to handle them is to run around like a fucking maniac with your finger stuck firmly down on "Fire" until every last one of them is dead.

Then loot their bodies. Because, you know, that's a big part of every adventure movie or book you've ever enjoyed, right? Looting the bodies is an important part of the action-hero fantasy, right?

If I had a nickel for every time Indiana Jones killed a Nazi and then rifled through his pockets, I'd be a rich fucking man. I mean, every time Han Solo caps a Stormtrooper, he immediately yells to Chewbacca, "Hey, give me a hand, you big ball of fur! There's a bunch of dead guys here just completely weighed down with free shit!"

So, yes, by all means, loot the bodies, because that's really the sort of action-adventure experience we're all looking for. Congratulations-- you just molested a corpse and earned ten fucking bullets for your troubles. Big fucking hero, you.

One of them will have a silver key. Doesn't matter if it's Star Wars or Final Fantasy or Metal Gear Solid. One of them's got a silver fucking key, and you're going to need it later.

The Boring Crap That Happens After the First Part of the Level

Keep walking to that big fucking thing in the middle of the horizon. It's obviously where you want to be.

But guess what? When you get there the door is locked or it takes off or whatever. It was all a big fucking tease, like taking your first cousin Jodie to your junior prom. Take it from me: You might think it would be easier to score on your cousin -- hey, you're practically family, right? -- but, counterintuitively enough, it's a real bitch and a half. Just getting to second base will entail years of putting up with crying jags and so-called "temporary restraining orders."

Anyway.

So now look around for another door or a little pyramid or something else. This would probably be a good time to take out your silver key. Go in someplace and start shooting.

Keep shooting until you've killed everyone in the labyrinth/bunker/moathouse. Break boxes, flip switches, loot bodies.

Pick up the Golden Key.

The Big Cut-Scene Where Dumb Shit Gets Explained to You

Unfortunately, this is the part where you have to talk, damn it all, to some asshole wearing a fez.

And he will be wearing a fez. They all do. It doesn't matter if you're in the future or the past or the present or some alternate world with hedgehogs and talking flowers-- all the people who "know shit" wear fezzes, and speak in Arabic (or vaguely Arabic) accents. It's like a law or something.

You'll have an opportunity to pose pre-arranged questions to "find stuff out" from your fez-wearing contact. It's probably just best to randomly push buttons and ignore every single fucking thing this asshole says.

What, after all, is he going to tell you? To shoot people? To loot bodies? To flip fucking switches like a fucking retard? Seriously-- what important plot information could he possibly convey? If you miss his schpiel about it being "most imperatively necessary to destroy the enemy's prototype super-copter," do you really think you're going to have any questions about what to do when a big black chopper starts shooting fireballs at you?

You should attempt to kill this asshole, but the game either 1) won't let you attack or 2) will just have the guy in the fez say "Please stop doing that; we haven't the time for that now" when you slice him right across the throat with your broadsword.

Because, unfortunately, you're probably going to have to talk to this douchebag again later.

The Part With The Conveyer Belt and Acid Pit

The Guy in the Fez probably warned you about this, but you weren't listenting, but it doesn't matter anyway, because it's not as if this is some kind of surprise to you. I mean, were you really thinking that this would be the only fucking game ever made that doesn't have a fucking conveyer belt going over an acid pit?

There are two ways to get past this obstacle. The first involves using perfect timing, the jump button, and the patience to keep reloading the same bullshit level.

The second involves entering the cheat "GODMODE" and just walking through the acid. Like a man.

Again, has anyone ever fantasized about these stupid conveyer-belt jumping puzzles? Did anyone ever say, as a child, "I want to jump around like a fucking jackass all the doo-dah day"?

I sure as shit didn't. It's just not anything I want to be a part of, and I refuse to play ball.

Oooh! The Easter Egg Part!!!

You've probably heard about this on-line or from that geek cousin of yours who's been studying to take the Postal Service exam for going on nine straight years now and who smells vaguely of bad sausage.

At some point in this level is a big, fun Easter Egg. Like, if you jump a certain way and look out a window, you can see Link the Elf outside. Or if you go to a computer monitor and hit a certain code, you can actually play Super Smash Brothers on the Death Star's computer.

You're probably eager to try this out. To which I ask, what the fucking fuck is wrong with you? Do you have absolutely no life whatsoever?

Have you sunk that fucking low that you're going to get all excited about seeing a goddamn fairy or playing a stupid fucking Donkey Kong sequel in the middle of playing a stupid Star Wars game?

Don't be that guy; you're better than that. Have some fucking pride and walk right on by the Easter Egg and kill the creature with the funny horns on its head who spits lightning bolts at you.

Loot its body. Congratulations-- you just picked up a joint of mutton, and your health is now at 80.

Get the Fucking Crossbow

Go into the elevator and open up the top-hosta. Climb up to the top of the elevator, then climb up the side of the shaft. At the very top of the elevator shaft will be some machinery and atop that will be a crossbow.

This crossbow is the greatest fucking weapon in the entire fucking game.

Again, it doesn't matter if you're in the year 3030 AD; apparently, even in the far future, the crossbow remains the most deadly and accurate weapon known to man.

Pick up the three bolts beside the crossbow. You're going to need them when you fall into the big water tank and are attacked by mutant shark-baboons. Shoot the shark-baboons in the mouth right as they're about to bite you.

Loot their bodies. One of the shark-baboons has a set of high-tech tools. You'll need that later to fix the power generator.

The one question you'd probably like to ask the Guy in the Fez is why would a mutant shark-baboon have a set of high-tech tools stashed somewhere on its body.

And, wouldn’t you know it, that's not one of the options you're allowed to choose. Like I said, Guys in Fezzes are six shades of fucking useless.

The Part Where You're On a Moving Transport

You know, the first time I went running up a train/hovertransport shooting people as the world scrolled by, I gotta admit, it was pretty neat.

Now… not so much. They say a person should never lose the capacity to be startled by a sunrise, but seriously, the third or fourth time you've run through a train shooting shit should be enough to satisfy you for the rest of your life.

The one good thing about this level is that's 100% linear. Did you forget to flip a switch? No problem, just walk three cars back.

Shoot everyone in sight. At some point you will encounter a diplomat or freed slave who offers to help you and grant you valuable information about the challenges ahead, simply because he's so grateful you freed him.

Soot him right in the fucking face and then loot his body.

He won't have anything of interest, but it's important to keep your reflexes honed.

Go to the front of the vehicle.

You Got the Red Armor.

The Part With the Three Fucking Bridges or Energy Fields

Okay, eventually you come to a great big fucking room. In the middle there's a great big ballsucker of machinery, and you've got to get to it, but you can't, because you have to find the switches and codes and keys to either 1) extend three different bridges or 2) lower three different energy fields.

And that's going to take running around the level, looting bodies, and retracing your steps a thousand fucking times to find that one stupid fucking transformer you forgot to blow up.

Or, you can just hit the cheat code NO_CLIP and walk right on through to that big piece of shit in the middle of the level. Like a man.

Men don't fuck around with bridges and energy fields. That's for the women-folk. Women like puzzles and talking to elves smoking hookahs. That's their right, of course, but I'll be damned before I sit there like an asshole writing down the pictograph code the third stormtrooper had on his key-card.

If I wanted that kind of shit, I'd have bought Myst III, as well as the necessary peripheral: a functioning vagina.

The Great Big Room Stocked Full of Goodies

Ah, safe at last. A great big room with no enemies in sight, and a big pile of health-packs by the computer monitor. So-- dash right to the treasure, right?

Wrong.

Don't be a chump all your life, pal. Look directly at the ceiling and take careful notice of the three Warrior Aliens creeping along and ready to drop on your head and eat your fucking face. Waste them with a lobby of machine-gun fire and grenades.

Then loot their bodies.

One Alien will have a Twig of Healing, the other will have the first part of the Rod of Eldritch Might.

The Guy in the Fez probably said something about this while you were knifing him in the balls.

The Part Where They Take All Your Cool Shit Away

The Guy in the Fez wants to have a drink with you, and suddenly your world goes crazy-crawly and dark and then you pass out. Turns out he was working for the Bad Guys, and he's drugged you.

Betrayed by a guy in a fez. What a fucking shock, huh?

You awake in a room with all your weaponry stripped from you, and dozens of villains standing between you and safety. This level will test your stealth-skills, as you're required to dispatch villains using only your firsts or the few puny rounds of ammo you loot off them.

Yeah, right. The magic word you're looking for is LOADED_FOR_FUCKIN'_BEAR. And then it's a snap.

You remember what we said earlier about stealth, right?

The Part Where You Get to Ski or Fly a Biplane

It always sounds good in theory. At some point, you'll get to ski, or ride a dragon, or pilot a biplane, or zip around on a Ski-doo on a glassy Venetian canal.

Trouble is, the engine of the game isn't designed for this sort of racing-style action, and so every fucking game-designer just phones it in at this point.

Rather than coming up with the code necessary to make this level fun and realistic, they just license out the engine of a 1997 version of The Simpsons Family Dune-Buggy Racing and hope that you're so fucking stupid you can't tell the fucking difference.

The controls are sloppy and sluggish, the physics are cartoonishly unrealistic, and some of the death-screams sound suspiciously like Superindendant Chalmers shouting out "Skinnnnn-er!!"

Skip it. The cheat you're looking for is FUCK_THAT_NOISE, which should advance you to the next level.

The Big Boss At the End

This is supposed to be the climax of the level, because the monster is huge and scary. But it sucks, because it's just not a normal fight. None of your weapons do any damage to the Boss, and he kills you with one or two bites/fireballs.

Except that there's one way to kill him -- like throwing a grenade into his nards when he blinks his eyes three times -- and that makes it ridiculously easy to kill him.

Look, they've just come up with some bullshit, stupid-ass easy way to kill him; why fuck around with details? You want to sit there for four fucking hours trying to figure out what combination of stupid maneuvers makes this paper tiger an easy score? Here's one that always works: cheatcode LET_GOD_SORT_'EM_OOUT.

The Big Victory Animation

Well, you did it. And now a chick comes out to make out with you.

Either they've gone pussy on you and made her all lithe and demure and PG-13, in which case you feel cheated, or else they've made her some ludicrously pneumatic Jessica Rabbit clone with nipples so diamond-hard they scratch the screen of your computer monitor as she hugs you, in which case you feel pandered to and a bit of a computer-geek pervert, which, of course, is exactly what you are.

And so either way you're going to feel pretty bad about yourself for wasting so many hours of your life on this idiotic game and then you're going to start surfing for porn and masturbating like a coked-up gibbon on Viagra. Which, as Woody Allen observed, is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the better ones.

Congratulations: You are Ultimate Winner! Now burn a copy of the disc and return the original to Circuit City, claiming "hardware incompatibility." They'll refuse to give you cash, of course; use the store-credit to pick up a copy of Playboy Playmates' "Secrets and Lingerie Party" 2004.

You'll be glad you did.

posted by Ace at 12:35 PM

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