Sponsored Content
« Skew this: Pew Poll used an R+3 sample (All is well, says Chuck Todd seven months ago) | Main | Website "Obama.com" Redirects Visitors To Obama's Official Donation Page, Despite 68% of Its Visitors Being Overseas And Presumably Ineligible to Donate To An American Campaign »
October 08, 2012

Re-Post: It's Over

Well, not really. Last time I posted this it was... erm, premature.

It still is premature. Still, we should have some fun.

I'm not in politics for the policy, or the Constitution, or the prosperity.

I'm in it, chiefly, for the gloating.


I think the election is over. I think it is so over we need a new Latin tense to describe how over it is, the Past Pluperfect Noncontinuing Historical Past Tense.

So, what the hell are we going to do for a month?

That's where Romney and Ryan are going to have to step the hell up. To make this entertaining, and not just a snoozer of a blowout, they're going to have to deliberately make some bad choices. They're going to have to fight to keep this close, to keep it interesting.

They're going to have to schedule some gaffes.

I was spitballing last night about some of the things they could do for us. You might have your own ideas.

* Mitt Romney should start wearing a top hat, spats, and a monocle.

* Paul Ryan should announce his marital status is now "Swingle."

* Mitt Romney can reveal he subscribes to Poop Magazine. And in fact doesn't just subscribe, but invested Bain Capital funds in it. Bain Capital funds that otherwise would have gone towards Not Murdering People With Cancer.

* When citizens present their babies for Paul Ryan to kiss, he should say, "Sorry, lady, but I don't kiss garbage."

* Both candidates should pick a swing state we absolutely need and then begin insulting residents of that state for no good reason. Mitt Romney can start things off by referring to residents of Florida as "Floritards." Paul Ryan can walk into Ohio rallies and say, "What the crap smells so bad? Oh, right: dirty filthy Ohio dirt-mongrels."

* Mitt Romney should start using the word "choad" casually, in tv interviews. He should also say "sext" whenever he means "email," "text," "call," or "tell." As in: "I'll be sexting the public my plan for tax reform later."

* Mitt Romney should begin referring to Ann Romney as "My publicly-acknowledged sister-wife."

* Paul Ryan should arrange for himself to be photographed leaving an American Legion bathroom, with the American flag stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

* Whenever Ann and Mitt Romney appear in joint interviews, Ann should flinch at Mitt's slightest movement, and then whisper frantically to the interviewer: "Sometimes he gets so very angry with me."

* Paul Ryan should make frequent, cryptic references to "my side-piece in Madison."

* Mitt Romney should start saying things like "Joe Biden makes me so angry I want to punch him right in the wife."

* Whenever Paul Ryan doesn't like the premise of a reporter's question, he should sharply say "Zionist lies!!!," with sibilants a-crackin'.

* If asked about his Mormonism, and tensions with the evangelical community, Mitt Romney should get a cigar and start doing the Edward G. Robinson voice: "So where's your Messiah now, ay? See? Yeah. See? Yeaaahh."

* Mitt Romney should appear on Letterman, riding Rafalca. On the stage will be a makeshift, poorly-ventilated smithy where poor children are forced to make golden horseshoes for Rafalca. When the children, singed and sooty, are finished with their difficult, dangerous task, Mitt Romney should pay them in chicken bones and old, misprinted issues of Poop Magazine.

digg this
posted by Ace at 05:03 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
JT: "Me neither ..."

Skip: "Didn't go out yet but don't think so ..."

JT: "You get any rain ? ..."

Skip: "Time to rise and shine ..."

JT: "hiya ..."

RickZ: "[i]Tough to pack into your pipe, too. And let's ju ..."

Wolfus Aurelius, Dreaming of Elsewhere [/i] [/b]: "[i]For my part, I am up all night smoking fish. P ..."

Wolfus Aurelius, Dreaming of Elsewhere [/i] [/b]: "[i]Originally we considered cake and cookie names ..."

JT: "For my part, I am up all night smoking fish. Post ..."

Wolfus Aurelius, Dreaming of Elsewhere [/i] [/b]: "Morning, all! I'm up about 45 min. early for some ..."

Aetius451AD: "Also, thanks for the ONT. ..."

Aetius451AD: "Posted by: I'm a King Bee, buzzin' 'round yo hive ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64