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January 05, 2012

Your Daily Terror: Chimp Discovers the Secret of Fire As Genetically-Modified Monkeys Are Born in the US

I, actually, do welcome our new ape overlords.

Because apes would know better than to pour billions into Solyndra and the external combustion engine.

Making a genetically superior monkey. Swell.

Fusing primate cells apparently requires more potent, early stage cells from a living embryo, said lead researcher Shoukhrat Mitalipov of the Oregon National Primate Research Centre at Oregon Health and Science University.

Well, they must know how scary this is for people. I'm sure they gave the genetic ultra-monkeys some cute, nonthreatening names, at least.

The experiment produced three healthy male rhesus monkeys they named Roku, Hex and Chimero, with gene traits from all of the separate embryos used to meld them.

Well, that's another way to go, I guess.

Let me guess how this all turns out: Roku's the "nice one," like Gizmo, that Hex and Chimero murder before breaking out of the lab and raping women to create monkey Uruk-Hai.

Meanwhile, a chimp has learned how to strike matches.

Eh so what. Simple enough trick. But does he have the cognitive functions to do something with fire?

Oh. Ohhh.

In related news, everyone says the human parts of Rise of the Planet of the Apes were awful, but the ape parts were great.

Thanks to @drewmtips and @gpollowitz


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posted by Ace at 05:46 PM

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