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December 08, 2011

Every Word This Guy Writes Is A Perfect Valentine

Two people went out on a single date, and then the woman blew him off. It happens.

He kept trying to reach her via voicemail, and she didn't return his calls. Rude, but it happens. Non-communication is often perfect communication, at least for those willing to hear the message.

Eventually he tracked down her email by googling her, and wrote her this letter.

I'm cutting out the thousand words or so, because, while they are pathetic and tedious, they are not alarming. I'll start just before he gets into the alarming stuff.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

No, you looked like a hair-playing whore. But I found that charming.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

Generally women recoil from the power of my Intense Drifter Staredown, but you held firm, unafraid.

-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn't interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said--that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

Other statements I find inconclusive, FYI: "Please, no;" "Oh god stop you're hurting me;" and "Where is this? What have you done to my husband?"

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.

But I'll check with my therapist when I see him at the clinic.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. Itís bad to do that.

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don't go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I'm curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it's difficult to predict what would happen...

Is it?

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don't, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don't want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn't want to go again....

Because, seriously, the hair-touching thing. I just cannot get beyond that. I read it in a book and everything.

If you're not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn't given those mixed signals. I feel led on.

Led on. Angry. Desperate. As if I have nothing left to lose.

We have a number of things in common.

Fresh, pulpy organs, for example.

Iíll name a few things: First, weíve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom Iím in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldnít be seriously involved with a woman if she didnít like classical music. You said that you're planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You're very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn't take any significant additional time on your part.

The guy is putting a lot of relationship eggs in the classical music basket.

And I'll bet one or both of them don't even like classical music, but just thought it would look good on a dating profile.

According to the internet, youíre 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, weíre a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but Iíll stop here.

But I could go on and on. For example, you prefer Kotex tampons, and throw them out with the trash, rather than separating them into "cloth recyclables." I also am totally lazy about recycling! What a pair are we, LOL.

I donít understand why you apparently donít want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didnít find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place....

Did I mention the classical music?

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am.

For example, do I cry when I hear a woman scream in pain?

Well, I used to, anyway.

I think it's better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

There are many people, for example, who do not pick up on standard social signals.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens.

Perhaps you will be chopped into tiny pieces with my Courting Axe. Perhaps you won't. That is the excitement of La romantique. You never know if you will end up on the altar at the church, or the altar in my basement, but since you're being a total mixed-signals coozebitch, I'm thinking Satan Pit.

But this could change, madamoiselle. Let me continue to woo you.

Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you havenít returned my messages) than I did at our first date.

The Satan Pit doesn't fill itself.

However, I would be willing to go out with you again.

Twist my arm, sure. I'll take you out in my Murder Van.

Iím open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight, you live.

As for tomorrow? But who can speak of tomorrow, madamoiselle.

I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don't want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life.

Going out with me, and also refusing to go out with me, would be two of the biggest, and last, mistakes of your life.

Choose wisely.

If you donít want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so.

Because in many cultures refusing to answer the phone is considered flirtatious, even lascivious. Like touching one's hair, or drumming one's fingers in anxiety and fear.

Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing.

I will kill you in your sleep.

In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly.

Say, what time do you want to get together for our big date?

I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner.

I also bought a big bottle of ether and top-quality ligatures.

Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. Iím sure you wouldnít like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

And you showed up smelling of cheap perfume and shame.

I'm checking the schedule right now for The Muppet Movie. That probably has some classical music in it. Fozzie, what a character. LOL.

If you're concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don't want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt.

And if you are concerned I will hurt you physically, well, wheels are in motion there, too.

I'm sad and disappointed about this situation.

My mother used to lock me in the closet for days at a time. I imprinted on an ancient, ragged sweater of hers that nevertheless retained some of her essence in the form of sweat and gin.

I would like to put you in said sweater.

If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

Like, for example, your children's school schedule, and what candy they might be attracted to as bait.

If you don't want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals).

What did it mean when you kept texting your friend "Still alive -- for now"? Was that some kind of code for "he's cute"?

In my opinion, you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. Itís bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if youíre not interested in going out with me again.

You should have been brusque and rude to me at the restaurant itself; I would surely have taken such a direct snubbing in stride.

I have tried to write this email well, but it's not perfect.

"Perfect" would be a letter written on fine stationary, in ink I made from gunpowder and tears.

Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc.

But you are passive-aggressive, cowardly, and a food-thieving whore.

I'm disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if itís inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and Iíll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back.

There are any number of modern conveniences which will permit you to communicate with me. Here, let me explain the operation of each, in great detail.

Even if you don't want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt.

I feel the Bloody Blues coming on. (wink)

Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone.

So the list, from least preferable to most preferable, is email, voice mail via phone, live communication via phone, a nice date out seeing some classical music, and, most preferable of all, bathing in your blood before the Children of Babylon.

Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

But I trust I've made my intentions, and my impulses, perfectly plain.

Best, Mike

PS, the shoes I stole from you smell like a whore's. That's another thing that's wrong with you. So we're agreed then -- Muppets at 7:15?

via @jennyerikson


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posted by Ace at 06:37 PM

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