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June 02, 2011

The Curious Case Of Hayley Williams

WeinerGate has hit, and I do use this term advisedly, the decadent phase, where people are just trying to outclever each other with outre and novel theories of the case. Even among conservatives, or those who initially doubted Rep. Weiner's bizarre story like Lee Stranahan, we're now seeing baroque theories about jilted ex-girlfriends seeking revenge.

And that possibility was floated by a conservative blogger I like (not Breitbart of Stranahan, Mickey Kaus), as possibility #2 in a list of 3.

The list is that long?

Let me suggest the obvious answer is in fact the answer.

There is no need to get clever here. There is no grand mystery. This is not like Watergate -- scratch that, it sort of is like Watergate. What you think happened here is pretty much what happened here.

A married man, formerly a player (yeah I don't get that either), looking for a little 11:30 am virtual strange while the missus was away, sent a picture of his package, which he's extremely proud of, to a coed. Don't ask me why he's so proud of that. But I just heard him on Maddow getting off on the fact that Jon Stewart talked up his junk on national television.

The guy almost wants us to know it's his penis. That's how proud he is of it.

Anyway, the coed is cute. Has flattered this man, who is a narcissist, by calling him "my boyfriend" and saying she has a "crush" and also that he is, to her, physically attractive.

Yeah I don't get that one, either. But if you look at this cat, you can tell he's not really accustomed to hearing that, so it still strikes a pleasing note inside him.

Do I need to go on any further? This is not complicated.

Weiner asserts that people hack the Twitter accounts of Congressmen in order to send partially-real partially-enhanced pictures of penises "hundreds of thousands of times every day."

Well, no, that doesn't happen hundreds of thousands of times a day. That happens... once, as it turns out.

And, actually, not even that many times.

But what does happen an awful lot is that people get caught up in a sudden attraction and do something dumb.

And yet, despite all this, even conservatives, determined to crack a mystery which was solved within ten minutes of the perpetration of the crime, are on the hunt for hackers, ex-girlfriends, horny staffers and who knows what else.

We are all agreed that someone had an interest in sending a picture of Rep. Weiner's erection to a coed. Even Rep. Weiner agrees on this much -- he's basically told us yeah, that's my junk. And he's proud of that.

So we know someone wanted to send the dicpic to the coed.

Would I sound very boring if I were to suggest that the person with the means, opportunity, and motive to send Rep. Weiner's dicpic to the coed was none other than Rep. Weiner himself?

Oh, I concede that is unimaginative. Lacks punch. A trifling mystery, the one where the murderer is evident from page 10, and the rest is all procedure and filler; but I think that is where the evidence is taking us.

Is taking us? Has taken us. Took us. Is there a more past tense than the past perfect tense? Has hadn taken-tooken us 96 hours ago.

For those who find this a tad too boring, with not enough thrills and chills or surprise twists and unexpected 11th hour entry by exciting new suspects, let me bore you some more and note this isn't even the first time this mystery has ended this way.

One Hayley Williams. Female, caucasian, about 25. Singer for a band called Paramore. Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. You know the story. You hear it every day.

The victim of a horrible content warning hacking on Twitter, in which a nefarious hacker hacked into her account, and, via hacking, sent a picture of her exposed breasts to the public.

Hayley Williams of Paramore claims her Twitter site was hacked and the nude twitpic that was posted has since gone viral.

Of course it was removed, but we have the censored version. Another version can be found here. Hayley did not comment on the embarrassing topless photo directly, and to be honest it seems more like a cruel joke than a hack.

Someone would have to have access to the topless photo of Hayley Williams AND be able to access her twitter account. That is a lot of info to have. For those who don’t pay attention to detail, the photo is also being searched for as, Haley Williams twitter picture.

Can you help Hayley find her hacker? Can you solve this mystery?

Alas, no you cannot.

There is nothing to be solved. The hacker was already discovered.

The hacker, Content Warning For Full Upper Nudity, was Hayley herself, who screwed up in the exact manner that Anthony Weiner did, just a year later.

Paramore’s Hayley Williams attempted to DM this topless picture of herself to her boyfriend, but instead wound up posting it for all to see on the internet. She took it down almost immediately, but we all know “immediately” is about 3 minutes too late in internet time.

Yes, I know it's not as exciting as the Realization Montage in The Usual Suspects, but life usually isn't. That's why we pay clever people a great deal of money to make shit up for us to watch on a movie screen.

Now, if you want to explain to me that some jealous ex-boyfriend of Hayley Williams was "the real perp," or maybe it was a disgruntled staffer, or maybe even it was a conservative who hated her, fine.

But do all that first, explaining why the obvious is to be disregarded as a solution in The Curious Case of Hayley Williams first, before coming to me with some fresh new jazz about Anthony Weiner.

After all-- the Hayley Williams case is a year old. It's a cold case. She deserves our justice, after waiting for her hacker to be exposed for all this time.

Indeed:

This is the most fiendish set-up since Mary Jo Kopechne implicated Ted Kennedy in her suicide. Posted by: nickless

And As We're Talking About Dic-Fic: There's a simple way to tell if a subject is guilty.

Examine his demeanor. Listen to what he says when first confronted with the crime.

Does his reaction read genuine?

Or does his reaction read false?


digg this
posted by Ace at 02:14 AM

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