My Personal Budget

Sorry to bug you with personal matters, but I've been trying to save money and several great ideas occurred to me last night. I hope you won't mind if I work some of my thoughts out on paper.

ACE'S PLAN FOR FISCAL SALVATION

Part 1: Investments in Competitive Edge aka Ace's "Win the Future" Initiative.

a. Invest in additional skill-building PS3 games I want, like the well-received James Bond title Blood Stone.

b. Invest in a larger information dissemination device (i.e., a television; see a., supra)

c. Invest in my continuing education in Doctor Who. Since Season Five is available on Amazon at the super-discounted price of $53 and change, I'm almost losing money if I don't buy it. See, again, a., supra.

d. Make continued necessary investments in my health, to wit, protein incorporation via Five Guys cheeseburgers.

e. Expand investments in my scientific research into human sexual diversity -- How do fuckin' busty lesbians work?

f. Finally invest in long-delayed improvements in my personal critical transportation infrastructure.

Part 2: Spending Cuts in Important But Unnecessary Areas.

See Part 1, supra. All my new investments are in fact "spending cuts," because you have to spend to save.

Part 3. Revenue Enhancements.

a. Stop paying my wasteful, unnecessary, and duplicative cable bill. When they call to terminate my service, I will tell them that "China has my float."

b. Set up a "Race to the Top Fund" for my wealthier friends to invest in my continued excellence and competitiveness.

c. Set up an "Enterprise Zone" in my mom's basement, where I can exist rent-free, utilizing all of my time for enterprise and/or Pringles.

d. Impose additional taxes on my local money-grubbing supermarket. The method of taxation will be hiding ground beef and taco powder underneath my coat while only paying for less expensive items in the U-Scan checkout, like this month's copy of Lucky (and also critical investments in those astrological mini-books they have next to the gum).

e. Impose additional taxes on my money-grubbing neighbor's supply of gasoline via siphoning.

f. Impose an additional tax on that supermarket, by boosting the siphon too.

g. Begin applying for every welfare subsidy in existence so the government will be made aware that I am ready to be invested in and willing -- nay, eager -- to experience my own personal Sputnik Moment.

...

Well, take care, suckers! I'll see you losers on Easy Street, yo!

Add This: A reader said this was like "Troll Science," a site I'd never heard of, which is pretty funny.

Amidst the funny stuff, I saw this one, which actually could work.

No, seriously, that would work. That right there would increase my monies by 50%.

posted by Ace at 12:12 PM

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