Wednesday Financial Briefing

Markets had a rare up day yesteday,with the Dow finishing 123 points higher and closing at 9939.98. We'll just treat that as good news and forget that the market was sitting at 11,200 back in April.

Nicholas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel are still waging war against "the speculators" who had the temerity to point out that Euorpean finances were a God Damn mess. A spokesmen for the holders of European sovereign bonds warned the leaders that they were "teasing the gorilla in the monkey-house". Sarkozy was heard to say that he farted in their general direction and that their fathers smelt of elderberries. Chancellor Merkel only muttered darkly, "I will break you!"

Interbank loans at Spanish banks are drying up. This tightens credit and leads to busted bond auctions. "Fitch can kiss my ass!", said an unnamed source at Banco Santander who blames the problems on Fitch's recent downgrade of Spanish debt. Just to show how not-broke they are, Santander bought back their stake in their Mexican unit from Bank of America for $2.5 billion. When asked if this was a wise move given their weak balance-sheet, a Santander representative lowered his trousers and mooned the press-pool.

US debt will climb to 19.6 trillion by 2015, according to a Treasury report to Congress. Tim Geithner assured everyone that, in true Keynesian fashion, every dollar of debt translates directly into GDP growth. Somehow. When pressed on the issue, Mr. Geithner began to cry and had to be excused to the lavatory to pull himself together.

In the latest financial craze sweeping the nation, parents who have ruined their own credit can take Junior's unblemished credit record and shit all over that as well. The best part? It'll be years before Junior finds out, and by that time Pops and Mimsie will have decamped to Costa Rica. Said parents will still express surprise and sorrow at the fact that Junior rarely visits or calls.

Markets are primed for a higher opening, as hope once again triumphs over experience.

This report brought to you by that strange old lady who sits next to you on the bus and smells like cat pee.

posted by Monty at 07:11 AM

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