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Time Discovers Funemployment: Goshdarnit, Some Americans Are So Happy In This Recession (So You Should Be Too!) | Main | NYT: Europe Whines That Obama's a Distant and Cold Boyfriend
November 16, 2009

Real Headline: Vampires Seek Tolerance, Understanding from Others

In absolutely no way does the media write these idiotic fake-"news" articles to coincide with interest in a popular movie opening up. You should definitely not suspect that entirely fake articles about pretend vampires are suddenly commissioned just because the new Twilight is opening.

I suppose I prefer this to another funemployment piece.

Being a vampire is boring compared to the young, beautiful and powerful bloodsuckers appearing weekly on TV and movie screens.

1, no it's not, because 2, there are no real vampires.

Merticus, an organizer of the 4-year-old Atlanta Vampire Alliance, said vampires are mostly like anyone else.

Exactly like everyone else, Merticus, except for the psychological problems.

Not "mostly." The "real vampires" in movies are mostly like humans, except for the superpowers. (By the way: Vampires are just superheroes for goths and emos; instead of being bitten by a radioactive spider, they're bitten by a sunken-cheeked goth of dubious sexual preference.)

You are, on the other hand, exactly like everyone else.

"We could be the model-train group down the street from you," he said.

You can only aspire to be the model-train group down the street from me.

Except the model-train group depends on electricity as a power source. Atlanta vampires believe they drain energy from people and some, yes, drink a bit of human blood to get the boost they need.

And except the model-train group does not believe they are actually building real trains. They're not out in front of their houses passing out schedules and collecting boarding passes.

And everyone who's ever had a cut has drank a little blood. It's salty. Film at 11.

Merticus, who declines to give his real name...

Oh, you mean his slave name?

... and alliance members claim they are different, physically or psychologically. They draw energy to feel good and stay healthy...

Yes, "normal" humans draw energy to feel good and stay healthy, too. We call this energy "food."

...,and they absorb it psychically from close contact with "donors" or from drinking a tablespoon of blood from them maybe once a week. They do not claim mythic powers such as immortality, and the screen depictions are often off-putting to members.

By off-putting I assume they mean "off-whacking." Everytime these guys see Lestat they come in their pants. Give me a break.

For instance, the vampires from the Twilight Saga...

"For instance." The Twilight connection just off-handedly occurred to the writer! Oh, right, Twilight! Silly me, I'd almost forgotten to mention the pop-culture tie-in that is the entire point of this piece!

...the luridly romantic novel and movies for young adults, have skin that sparkles in sunlight.

"That doesn't sit too well with us," Merticus said by phone.

Poor kid's oppressed due to the non-diamond-sparkly color of his skin. Damn stereotypes about made-up pretend creatures.

Sounds weird? That is why Merticus, a politically active small business owner in Atlanta, and the eleven other members of his group do not talk to outsiders about their alternate identities. They fear losing jobs, discrimination or shunning.

And of course Abraham Van Helsing.

Few vampires have come out like the lady who posed for photos in a T-shirt and jeans for the Washington Post in 2008.

"The only thing I objected to in the article is that we were painted as boring," Merticus said dryly.

Dude, you dress up like a bat and obsess about movies made for 12 year old girls. How exciting could your life be?

Vampire groups have been around for decades, but the pop culture obsession fueled by the Twilight phenomenon (85 million novels sold worldwide)...

Whoops, Twilight again. Thank goodness they mentioned it, because people reading this article might not know about Twilight.

Laycock's book shows vampires are teenagers and grandmothers, stay-at-home moms and professionals.

Well, without having written a book, I could have told you the two groups most commonly affected by "vampirism" were teens, followed distantly by very bored and somewhat schizophrenic housewives. I'd also be willing to wager, sans research, that "vampirism" affects a lot of chubby homosexuals who can't get laid the normal way.


Merticus said the survey was a start to answering doubts like Ramsland's. The survey shows vampires report higher incidences of depression, asthma, migraines and other physical ailments.

Really? "Vampires" are unhealthy, depressive geeks? Thank God for science.

He would love for genetic testing to take place to look for scientific explanations for their differences.

Here's a scientific explanation: Marriage between first cousins.

In the meantime, "The only thing I would ask is tolerance," he said.

And mascara that has that all-day "smeared from crying hot tears of despair" sexy look.

Thanks to Gabriel Malor.

digg this
posted by Ace at 01:35 PM

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