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October 09, 2009

Top Ten Candidates Who Almost Won the Nobel Prize

10. Dr. Neil Farkas, DDS, Sheboygan, WI, for once thinking about a new type of dental adhesive before forgetting about it

9. Sue Lefkowitz, homemaker, Poughkeepsie, NY, for vowing on New Years Eve to lose her last 20 pregnancy pounds (she gained 6)

8. Alex Rodriguez, Yankees third baseman, NY, NY, for having the intention of one day hitting a home run in October

7. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for almost being elected President of Iran, and then bringing "peace" to that country as President of Iran

6. Stanley Urquhart, assistant pipefitter, Des Moines, IA, for "seriously considering" legally changing his name to Jake "The Snake" Drake (pure unadulterated awesome!) and joining the Ultimate Fighting League, at least after he finally makes that brown belt that sensei has been holding back from him for a year

5. Charles Johnson, blogger, Santa Monica, CA, for "conspicuous heroism" in defending a little-trafficked website from fascists, neo-nazis, white supremacists, and other Enemies of the Blog

4. Myron Klepnitz, IT supervisor, Brooklyn, NY, for writing a chapter and a half and "copious notes" for his "vampire erotica" novel tentatively titled Suck


2. Ace of Spades, blogger, whereabouts unknown, for posting by 11:30 am

...and the Number One Candidate who almost won a Nobel Prize...

1. One-tenth of an ounce of that stinky, sweaty, rancid-buttery grey fuzz that collects at the bottom of your belly-button and kind of scratches when you try to fish it out

My List Sucked: Eh. But here's something funny. DrewM just tweeted: "BREAKING: Obama named Motor Trend's Car of the Year!"

TP Carney, via Michael Goldfarb, is starting a campaign to write-in Obama for the Heisman Trophy.

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posted by Ace at 11:54 AM

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