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Update: "Unprecedented"
September 30, 2009

All Taxes Are, Ultimately, For Your Benefit: "Studies Show" Small Tax on Beer Will Reduce Teenage Rape, Gonorrhea

Such a small tax, too! Just three cents a bottle.

Isn't three cents a bottle a fair price to pay for reduced rape? And the clap?

You don't... support rape and gonorrhea, do you?

Did I mention that "studies show"?

Studies.

Show.

Which part of that didn't you understand, the "studies," the "show," or the implied "you frigging retard"?

Listen to me, you Jesus-crack-addicted inbred sub-cretins: Your own religion tells you that man is irredeemably sinful, therefore all actions he takes cannot help but be tainted by sin.

Therefore -- if you mouth-breathing moonshine-and-meth mountain men are still following this science -- any tax which makes it more expensive to conduct any sort of human activity whatsoever has the inevitable and salutary effect of reducing the gross sin in the world, for people sin less when doing nothing at all.

You morons are into God 'n morality and stuff. You should dig this argument, assuming you understand it, which I don't assume, actually. Go ask the bus-driver taking you to your assisted living home to explain it to you using sock-puppets and crude dioramas improvised out of Budweiser 24-pack cartons.

True, the "science" here is all flawed 'n stuff, but so what. The argument is sound. Taxing you violent, rape-obsessed racists, you less-literary rejects from Clockwork Orange, into doing nothing at all but sitting at home watching Two and Half Men and occasionally farting on your children cannot help but make America a safer, more livable place, where only the elegantly wealthy can afford to actually do anything outside the home at night.

Go and sin no more, peasants. And accept your sin taxes, and your gasoline taxes, and your electricity taxes, and your smoking bans, and your gun bans, and all the rest of it, because we know what's best for you corncob-smokin' banjo-strokin' cousin-pokin' Dwight Yoakem inbred hillbilly mutant retards.

PS: Free Roman, but I wouldn't expect you bitter clingers to understand that, either. That's advanced learning. Let's just try to get it through your heads that You belong to us, like well-cared for children first, and then work on the more difficult stuff when you're ready for it.


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posted by Ace at 04:48 PM

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