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August 31, 2009

Top Ten Other Reasons David Brooks So Enthuses Over Obama

10. Quote: "That guy can really fill out a pair of Hagar's"

9. Spends hours dreamily scripting the name "David Brooks-Obama" on the cover of his Trapper Keeper

8. Obama almost never says "imply" when he means "infer"

7. Three words: Throbbing. Engorged. Deficits.

6. Has never gotten over childhood trauma of not being sexually assaulted while in boys' boarding school; looks to Obama as sensitive, caring pedophile English teacher he never had

5. He's "our kind of chap," by which we mean "guy looks like he's walking around with a fungo bat between his legs"

4. Has most important prerequisite for president -- a "first-class badonkadonk," much like Millard Fillmore

3. Soft artists' hands are gentle and comforting, and yet insistent and demanding

2. Was taken with Obama's clever reworking of a line by Edmund Burke: "Was your father a thief? Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes."

...and the Number One Other Reason David Brooks is So Enthused with Barack Obama...

1. Every time Obama walks into a room, Brooks experiences a full-spectrum sensation that can only be described as "having an epileptic orgasm while listening to Lincoln's Gettysburg address as if it were mixed using Phil Spector's 'Wall of Sound' technique"

Dramatic Reenactment: Of when David met Barack. Mild Content Warning (Anchorman).

From LurkingPoet.

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posted by Ace at 04:37 PM

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