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June 03, 2009

Overnight open thread – News You Can Abuse (genghis)

In tonight’s “Compare and Contrast” segment (an ongoing series limited to just this post) we examine love, chastity and full-blown bat-shit crazy.

Example One: From Whidbey Island, WA comes the heartwarming tale of a 21-year-old bride to be who’s never been kissed. All that will change soon as she’s about to tie the knot in July with an obvious bad seed, male hussy who apparently has kissed before. How long before this perverted freak starts trying to introduce tongue into the whole thing? 5 years? 10?


Example Two: In a show of true love, a 25 year old Egyptian laborer decided to cut off his own penis to protest an arranged marriage by his parents to a woman he didn’t love (mum & pops didn’t approve of his preferred main squeeze.) Sadly, doctors were unable to reattach the severed member. But who are we to judge? Who amongst us hasn’t done this at least once to prove our undying, deranged love? We’re just fortunate that we have better emergency care facilities.

Enough of all that nonsense. Here’s some news you might actually be able to use: NASA is hiring Pillownauts to lie in bed for weeks on end.

”In order to study the long-term effects of micro-gravity on the human body, NASA is looking for a few good lazy people to lie in bed all day sleeping, watching TV and playing video games.”

“Sounds like a dream come true, but I will not be signing up. You see, these "pillownauts" experience nasty side effects like sore feet, muscle weakness, headaches, toothaches and runny noses/eyes. Plus, I would think that lying on your back for weeks on end like that would drive you to madness.”

What a wuss. You people endure that and far worse just sitting here for the 16+ hours you do on an average day, and that doesn’t even account for the hideous physical deformities you’ve developed (but don’t see because you’ve removed all the mirrors from your houses).

Notice: Posted by permission of AceCorp LLC. Please e-mail overnight open thread tips to Otherwise send tips to Ace.

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posted by xgenghisx at 08:09 PM

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