Today's Retard News | Main | Is Chinese oil stockpiling masking weaker demand?
March 10, 2009

Common Folk Wisdom Tip #327: Bear Attacks

Let's try to have a post that doesn't reference the infamous "Four Words Flap" that just will not die. I swear to God, it's like a Police song: No ending, just a constant repetition of the chorus until the tape in the studio ran out. ROXXXXXXANNE! PUT ON THE RED LIGHT!

Anyway, I wanted to share a thought I had about bear attacks. I watch a LOT of Discovery Channel, and one of my first cousins moved to Alaska back in '91 for postgraduate work in biology. Did she work with bears? No, apparently she arrived late and all the bear positions were snapped up early, so she ended up studying hibernation in ground squirrels. Now don't get me wrong here; bears are pretty freakin' vicious, but there's NOTHING that will make you crap your underoos like being jumped by a cornered ground squirrel. Vicious little bastards.

Back to my point here (AND YES, I do have one): How a person should respond to a bear attack depends on which type of bear is attacking you. In North America, we have Polar bears, Black bears and Brown bears. Grizzly bears are a subset of browns, so I'll just include them in with the Browns.

The vast majority of attacks on hikers by Brown bears occur because the bear feels that the human is invading its territory. Either the hiker walks up on a bear using a trail, or he/she gets between momma bear & her cubs. These attacks usually only last until the bear determines that the person is no longer a threat. Occasionally the bear might go ahead and eat the person, but most of the time it will just maul them and then go on its way.

Attacks on people by black bears are fairly rare. Black bears usually react to humans by running away, which is probably best for both parties. There's a chance that momma black bear MIGHT attack a person who gets too close to her cubs, but most of the time they will simply call to the cubs and retreat. When a black bear DOES attack a person, the odds are that it doesn't fear people and it wants to see what "long pork" tastes like.

Polar bears? Nasty, brutish animals. In their environment, anything that moves is prey. If you're attacked by a polar bear, you can be sure that if you passively wait for it to stop mauling you, you're going to end up as part of several bear bowel movements scattered across the tundra. Polar bears don't just attack people when they're startled; they actively stalk people when they have the chance.

You might be asking yourself right now: "Russ, what's your freakin' point?"

Well, how you respond to bear attacks is a guide on how you should respond to criticism from the mainstream media.

If you're a conservative, then you can be 99.7% sure that the media is made up of Polar bears. You're nothing more than meat to them, and they'll keep coming until one of you is dead.

If you're a moderate Republican who thinks that bipartisanship is the best thing since sliced bread, then the media is a Brown bear. They'll mess you up bad, and they might even eat you if they need a meal, but they won't actively stalk you unless you do something to provoke running for President or voting against the Porkulus package.

If you're a Democrat or a liberal Republican, then the media is a Black bear. Attacks will be rare, but when they DO happen they'll be fatal. Gov. Blago knows what a Black bear attack feels like.

discuss amongst yourselves

digg this
posted by Russ from Winterset at 10:52 AM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
Marcus T: "I've disagreed with Karl Rove on a lot. But on thi ..."

DB- just DB.: ">Words Joe will say other than Kamala: (cont'd) ..."

Rodrigo Borgia: "> Joe has a serious problem with the black vote. ..."

J.J. Sefton: " 176 Nah I forgot the sarc tag. Posted by: ..."

TheJamesMadison, back to random thoughts: "174 >>Michelle Lujan Grisham would have been less ..."

sock_rat_eez, we are being gaslighted 24/365[/b][/u][/i][/s]: "for the Weird Shortages department: Canning sup ..."

Tami[/b][/i] [/s] [/u]: "So it's Joe and The Toe. If Joe goes full menta ..."

Bruce: "Michelle Lujan Grisham would have been less bad, a ..."

TheJamesMadison, back to random thoughts: "172 In the Spring, Harris said she "believed" all ..."

blaster: "[i]144 139 137 >so I'm back to I don't know why th ..."

rickb223 [/s][/b][/i][/u]: "Arrrrrfgghghg Her dad's Jamaican. So, a Jindu? ..."

JackStraw: ">>Michelle Lujan Grisham would have been less bad, ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64