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December 29, 2008

The Best Ad Campaign in Human History
Bumped and Updated: Even More Goofing on Jessica Valenti, Plus a Riff

NSFW. Let's get that out of the way from the get-go.

If I have this right from tipster JimM, this commercial for Fleggaard (a Danish e-commerce firm) contemplates ginning up interest by running ads featuring scantily-clad buxom women and puppies. Not quite safe for work, as they do more than contemplate it. They do a "what if" sort of thing.

Then I guess they decided the campaign was conceptually sound and went ahead and did an ad featuring dozens of nude skydivers. I didn't notice any puppies.

Of course I'm not posting this simply for the T&A (and puppies). There is, of course, a political angle here of great import. To wit, the perpetually outraged gals at Feministing demand to know "Why are only skinny white girls with fake boobs being featured?"

There's a bit of irony here-- Jessica Valenti from Feminsting got a book deal, it is alleged by some female "bloggers of color," largely because she in fact was... a skinny white girl with fake (? -- suspiciously ample, at least) breasts.

I can't fault the publisher for going with an empty-brained chick with a decent rack for their book -- publishers often decide whether or not to go with a small-bore book based on the author's attractiveness and ability to connect with a crowd. The advertising/marketing campaign for such small press-run books is largely restricted to appearances at Borders and Barnes & Noble, so a writer of a small-sales book is the publisher's primary sales vehicle. (And FYI: A male writer's attractiveness and charisma is also considered in these cases. Handsome, affable dudes sell more books than unattractive, antisocial headcases like myself.)

Nor can I fault Jessica Valenti taking a deal offered to her largely not for her writing skills (which are weak) but for her looks. Hey, we all have our virtues and flaws. One works with the skill set one has.

But it would be nice if on occasion these FemiVixens kinda acknowledged the hypocrisy (even if understandable and excusable hypocrisy) of forever nattering on about the unfairness of judging women by their looks while, you know, getting book deals primarily on the appeal of their looks.

It was always a laugh to me that Naomi Wolf became the media darling and go-to spokesman for speaking out against The Beauty Myth and how horrible it is that women are judged on their looks, when, of course, she was in that position precisely because she was... cute.. She's, uh, kinda meh now, but when she burst on the scene in the late eighties, she was pretty nicely put together. Kind of a dish, really. A couple of extra pounds, but hey, built for comfort and not speed and all that.

And it was just hysterical to me listening to this not-terribly-accomplished writer appearing on tv all the damn time to offer up her jiggly you-want-fries-with-that-shake analysis of "the beauty myth" while bein' all hot and shit. (Well -- hot for a writer. "Writer cute," as I term it. A step below real cute, but an accolade all the same.)

Anyway.

Have I justified posting the tits videos sufficiently? I think I have. This is culture and sexuaity and crap. And gay shit of this nature.

By the way, I held this out of respect for the holiday. Jim sent me the first vid on Christmas Eve, and I said, "Thanks, but not the right time for T&A."

But now we're passed the G-rated holiday Christmas and on to the PG-13/R rated holiday New Year's Eve, so I figure it's okay.

Jessica Valenti's Book: Medium content warning for top-drawer profanity coming right out of the box, as it were.

You tell me that mix of The Vagina Monologues and Sesame Street deserves a book. This is like a "very special episode" of Blossom, exploring the rich themes of cleavage and vagina.

Did I say "a book"? How silly of me. I meant "books."

She has a second book. Notice the first page of this book is virtually identical to the first page of her last book.

It includes this gem, right off the bat, to let you know she's one of those feminists who's kinda cute:

IF YOU HAVE A VAGINA, chances are someone has called you a slut at least once in your life. There's just no getting around it.

...

I was called a slut when my boobs grew faster than others'.

Yes, and then they called you "prom queen" and now they call you "author." Deal with the trade-off.

Ever notice that the stupidest shit sounds kinda interesting when a girl with full C's/almost D's is saying it? Yeah, well. Publishers have noticed that too.

I think I'll start outlining my book:

Chances are, when you have a penis, someone is going to call you a "dickwad" at some point. It's almost unavoidable.

And balls? Don't even get me started. I am tired of women ogling my trouser tits, my jock-knockers, my rambunctious Heines-hooters.

Book deal me.

I Just Can't Quit Her: Seriously, it's like Judy Blume writing soft-core porn. Hello, God? It's Me, Margaret... What Are You Wearing?

So far this FemiVixen has written two books with sexually-charged titles, all the while bemoaning viewing women as sexually-charged objects. We've had Full Frontal Feminism and now You're a Slut, He's a Stud.

Here are some proposed book titles for Jessica Valenti's upcoming books:

Someone Once Called Me a Slut in Fifth Grade: True Tales of Terror of a Privileged White Chick

And in Seventh Grade Too, Once, But Maybe He Said That to My Cousin Veronica, Who, If I'm Being Honest, Did Kinda Give It Up Easily for a While, Not That I'm Judging, But Giving an Hand-J to Billy Donovan Under the Bleachers During Spirit Week? Come On, Veronica, You're Better Than That. That Little Stunt Probably Cost You Your Bid for Treasurer of the Yearbook Club.

Oh, And Also, Someone Once Remarked Favorably Upon My Rack: Even More Grueling Tales of Existential Horror from the Sexual Holocaust That Was the James K. Polk Middle School

Vagina: An Autobiography

The Nipple Conundrum

The American Rape Machine (And if That Title Sounds Like a Downer, I Just Want You to Know I Spend Two Chapters Discussing Bras and Panties)

and, if those aren't subtle enough:

I've... Got... Jugs!

I haven't tossed out much riff-chum for a while... maybe this is a decent subject for it? If you can help Jessica write her next book, please do so in the comments.

She's covered tits and she's covered vagina. Basically she's got one book left in her, if you know what I'm saying, and then it's desperation-time.


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posted by Ace at 02:39 PM

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