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September 30, 2008

Dear Kat: I Have Mommy Issues (Kat-Mo)

Open Blog? A little something to break the doom and gloom.

Dear Kat,

I am a grown woman with three children, a wonderful husband and a thriving career. Yet, every time I see Sarah Palin on TV or even hear her name, I break into a cold sweat, feel nauseas and fly into an unhinged, violent rage. My children are so afraid that they lock themselves in the closet (I swear, it's not me) and my husband goes in to his private office to "take care of business". Although, I had no idea that we had a 33% ownership in a porn site.

I think I have "authoritarian mother" issues. Just the mention of Sarah Palin's name makes me have flash backs of when my mommy used to pull down my panties and beat me with a wire hanger. To this day, whenever I pick up my dry cleaning I go into a fetal position and suck my thumb.

Oh, wait, that was a movie.

Well, there was this one time that I had a bad case of the stomach flu and my mother brought in a priest to "exorcise" me. I threw up all over my Princess Leia bed set, my head spun around and I swear I was levitating off the bed.

Wait, that was a movie, too.

Okay. Okay. There was this one time that I was getting ready for my wedding and my mom took me to this hairdresser with big blonde hair, big boobs and a southern accent. The fumes in the shop almost made me pass out and my mom kept shoving butterscotch down my throat until I almost threw up. She knows I hate butterscotch. When I left that shop I had the biggest hair this side of Tennessee and I had to start dialysis from the butterscotch induced diabetes. That bitch!

Dammit, that was a movie, too!

See! See! I hate Sarah Palin so much that I can't tell reality from my own neurotic, self flagellating, martyrdom fantasies. She just reminds me of overbearing mom that I've had locked away in an old folks home for ten years. I can't even sleep. I have these flash backs of when my mom used to criticize me for my hair, my clothes, my friends. And, when I got married, she would come over and critique my child rearings skills, how I folded the clothes, how long I left the fondu on. She always said it with a smile like she was trying to help me, but I knew better. That's why I had to put her away. That bitch!

OMG! When I was in high school she used to push me to be cheerleader and make me practice five times a day. She was so demanding and obsessed, she shot a rival cheerleader so I could make the head of the squad.

Kat...my children are begging to be sent to boarding school. My husband has ordered Macanudo Robustos on line and keeps calling our dog "Monica." All my old friends changed their phone numbers and the only people who will speak with me are the hobos on 3rd and James. That's only if I bring a five gallon jug of Valu-Rite Vodka.

Please help me, I'm losing my mind.

Sarah Palin's #1,325, 201st "hater"

Dear #1,325, 201st,

Holy F*ck! Grow up! Get a life! You schizophrenic, paranoid freak with a persecution complex. Your mother did not come between you and your daddy. Sarah Palin is not going to come and steal your husband. She has her own who isn't nearly as p*ssy whipped as yours apparently is.

Get some meds because you are obviously clinically unsound. Buy a bigger pair of panty hose because these are apparently cutting the circulation off to your brain. Unlock the closet door and let your children out. They are not suddenly going to become dreaded "Republicans" because they see Sarah Palin on TV. Although, at your current rate, they may grow up to be evil Republicans anyway.

Turn off the freaking TV and throw your home computer out the door. Have sex with your husband before the next batch of puppies smell like a cigar.

Stop throwing a fit because you believe you are an "accomplished woman" and no one saw fit to call you up on the cell phone in the middle of the night and ask you to be Vice President. I mean, holy crap, they wouldn't even ask Hillary, do you think anyone in the Democrat party was going to give you the chance to screw things up? You don't even have a name.

In the meantime, stay away from bridges, tall buildings and major intersections.


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posted by xgenghisx at 12:51 AM

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