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March 17, 2008

Tonight's Special? Penis

They're just having too much fun in China, I'll tell you what buddy.

Iím visiting the Guo-li-zhuang restaurant, a specialist penis and testicle emporium that caters mainly to wealthy businessmen and Communist party officials (who, truth be told, are often one and the same).


I ask a chef to show us the preparation of a penis first, so that I can get a feel for the process. He enters holding aloft an eye-wateringly large yakís knob. Itís about 45cm long, but thin, so thin. Itís been boiled gently and - I canít believe Iím writing this - peeled, except for a hunk of foreskin still clinging on to the end. He cuts the thing in half lengthways with a pair of scissors.


We try the water-buffalo penis first, in thin shavings. It started long and thin, but someone has shredded this noble old chap on a mandolin. It has the texture of squid and tastes of the mild chilli stock itís been poached in.


She seems pleased, and pours me some deer-penis juice, which Iím delighted to say is the vilest concoction Iíve ever had the privilege to imbibe. Itís as sour as a smacked lemon and as bitter as neat quinine.


We try goatís penis, chicken feet, bullís penis tip (thatíll keep you up all night too, the boss warns), terrapin leg and all manner of radishes. Iím offered dogís penis (ďThe only one with a bone in itĒ, and served with a glacť cherry placed pointlessly on the tip), but decline. All the knobs have intriguing, delicate and bizarre textures, although the flavour is mainly of pork braised in hot stock. My favourite dish of all is undoubtedly bullís perineum Ė a delicate piece of flesh, the size of a chicken oyster, which has been poached, then slow-fried.

Itís sweet and crispy, with a deep taste of soy and honey.

Yan Yan, my guide, isnít too keen on penis, but sheís adventurous in the face of adversity, and tries most things with a curled lip. Just before we go, I ask why the girls get off lightly.

The boss bursts into giggly, embarrassed laughter. ďThatís a crazy idea - why would anyone want to do that?Ē

I hear that. Yuch.

Thanks to Jen.

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posted by Ace at 10:53 AM

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