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February 09, 2008

"A futile & stupid gesture needs to be made on somebody's part. And I'm just the guy to do it"

What's going on in the world today? (UPDATE: I moved the second half of this post into the extended entry. Sorry about that. It didn't look so big last night when I wrote it.)

John McCain is the presumptive Republican nominee.

The stimulus package is going ahead, and it will send every American (well, at least every American who doesn't live in a household that makes over $175k per year) $600 to "stimulate the economy". That's approximately 60 lukewarm ballpark beers, 30 private lapdances at an average midwest strip club, 2 Remington 870 12-gauge shotguns ("Express" model with the parkerized finish, not the premium model which is approximately twice the price of the Express), or one moderately severe beating administered to your former high school tormentor by Moose & Rocko. Don't get me wrong, I'll cash the damn check if it comes, but I'm not going to pretend that the check came from my Fairy 'effing Godmother.

CPAC gave their "Best Conservative Blogger of the Year" award to the guy who hangs out with Jason Mewes and gets to speak once per movie. I think they chose wisely, because he managed to make it through a six minute speech without referencing "Rick Derris", "Walt Flannigan's Cat" or "snowballing".

In 2008, more people will buy "Hannah Montana" CD's than the CD's of all living blues musicians combined.

The world is swirling down the crapper, and the question on everyone's mind is "What are you going to do about it, Mr. Conservative McRightwinger?"

My answer to that question? I shall attend the First Annual Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival.

March 1, 2008 from 10am to 4pm (central).

The High Life Lounge & El Bait Shop.

200 S. 2nd Avenue, Des Moines, Iowa.

$30 gets you "a commemorative t-shirt, a bacon bracelet, a menu of 7 bacon items, unlimited samples at the Bacon Showcase, a seat at the Bacon 101 lecture ("All About Bacon" by professor Leo Landis) and your first drink of the day. They will also be offering Bacon Bloody Marys & Bacon Egg & Cheese biscuits when the doors open to get you started. Dollar cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon will provide social lubricant for the event, but unfortunately you'll have to provide your own Pepto Bismol. The bonus for this day occurs at 2pm: The "That Boy is a "PIG" bacon eating contest".


Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa.

I'd like to think that by attending this event for all you morons, I'll be doing my part to reunite the Republican Party under the banner of smaller government, sensible immigration laws, strong foreign policy, and mandatory consumption of bacon and other pork products on a daily basis. I could be the Barry Goldwater of the Pork Products Wing of the New Conservative Enlightenment, helping all my fellow Americans discover a world where wrapping bacon around hot dogs is not only legal, but mandatory.

But, let's face it, that's not going to happen. I'll come home that night smelling of bacon and PBR, and spend four hours on the throne clearing out the results of the day. On March 2, 2008, there will be no Bacon Conservative movement, no sweet bacon cash flowing my way, and no Bacon Goldwater groupies jumping on me like "fat girls on a chocolate cock" (thanks to The Wickedpinto for that phrase).

You know what? I can live with that, because I'll have that sweet "2008 Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival" t-shirt that only 120 people will receive. And the memory of an orgy of bacon consumption that would make Bacchus himself say "You know what, I think I'll pass on that last slice of bacon. If I ate another bite of bacon I'd probably explode."

I'm doing this for you morons, so when you tell your children & your children's children about the 2008 Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival, speak well of me.

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posted by Russ from Winterset at 11:54 PM

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