Exclusive First Look (MUST CREDIT AoSHQ)...Russ from Winterset's Precinct Captain Speech for "Teh Fred"

I woke up pissed this morning. If Iowa lets Mike "John Edwards with a bible" Huckabee win the caucus, I'm calling in the airstrike myself. It'll be worth the bright flash of pain & slide into sweet, dark oblivion if it takes out all the morons who can't see through a fourth-rate con man who wears his religion in a shoulder holster instead of on his sleeve where it belongs.

Anyway, enough whining, here's the speech in the "extended entry". I added a few "edgy" comments into it this morning, but hopefully not enough to get the Huck-a-bots to stone me to death for heresy at 8pm CST tonight.

"Hello, My name is Russ (from Winterset), and I’ve come here tonight to vote for Fred Thompson. I’d like to share a few of the reasons why I think Fred Thompson is the best candidate for President. You’ll have to bear with me here, since I’ve never given a speech as important as this one, and I’ve been fighting a wicked cold for the last week or so. I’m going to talk slower than usual to make sure my words don’t run together and make me sound like one of Charlie Brown’s teachers.

Fred Thompson came from humble beginnings. He’s the first member of his family who was able to go to college, and he managed to work his way through both college & law school while working to support his family. He worked as a US Attorney in Tennessee after law school, and was asked to serve as the Republican Counsel to the Watergate hearings by Senator Howard Baker. As the Republican Counsel, he worked to uncover the truth of the matter instead of playing partisan politics. After this experience, he held jobs as a private attorney (where he managed to win a case that resulted in the conviction of the Governor of Tennessee as part of a larger corruption scandal), a United States Senator from the State of Tennessee, and you may have noticed that he also managed to work in a part-time career as an actor. I’ve heard Fred say that his acting comes easy, because every director tells him “Just act like Fred Thompson”.

Fred Thompson has demonstrated consistent conservative principles. He was a conservative yesterday, he’s a conservative today, and, God willing, he’ll be a conservative President in the future. He has laid out more specific issue and policy stances than all the other Republican candidates combined. He’s released the most comprehensive immigration plan out there, a plan to increase our armed forces to a “million man army”, a detailed plan to save social security, and a comprehensive reform of our tax structure.

Fred Thompson was involved heavily in foreign policy during his two terms in the Senate. He chaired the committee that looked into the infusion of Chinese money into the 1996 Presidential Election, and he was also involved with other foreign policy issues as well. He believes that America deserves a strong leader who believes in the greatness of our country. He’ll look out for America’s interests, and I believe that he’s the best man to have on our side of the table facing down our enemies. And mark my words; Fred Thompson walks the walk like he talks the talk. If you watched the Des Moines Register debate, you saw that Fred Thompson was the only important person on that stage. He’s more interested in BEING a leader than looking like one. If Fred Thompson wants to run an ad criticizing an opponent, he’ll just run the ad. You won’t see him calling a press conference to announce why he’s too moral to run his own ad while showing it off to the press at the same time, and then running the ad on FOX News anyway 2 days later.

Fred Thompson also has a consistent pro-life record that reaches far back into his public and private life. He understands that a Constitutional Amendment regulating abortion looks good on paper, but he knows enough about the process to realize that there’s no way that a president from either party is going to get 66 Senators and 37 State Legislatures to support ANY Constitutional Amendment even if it’s one that says the sun will probably rise in the East tomorrow morning. Having a well meaning Constitutional Amendment that cannot be implemented by our divided government as your ONLY plan to steer America onto a pro-life course is tantamount to sitting on your hands & doing nothing on the issue; but Fred Thompson’s plan to appoint Supreme Court justices who believe in adherence to the principles of our founding fathers will return the power to regulate abortion to the states, where public opinion can still be heard over the sound of interest groups opening their checkbooks. The National Right to Life Committee and seven of their state chapters believe that Fred Thompson is the best man to lead our country, and they’ve given him their endorsement.

Fred Thompson stands for what Republicans believe in: lower taxes, limited government, the defense of the unborn, a secure border, the right to keep & bear arms, an immigration policy that respects the rule of law, and an unwavering commitment to the national security of the United States of America. At every point of his life, Fred Thompson has risen to the challenge and answered America’s call. He’s ready to answer the call to service again, and he can win in November against the Democratic nominee.

With your help, Fred Thompson can win tonight in Iowa. Thank you for coming out tonight to caucus, and I’ll be available to answer any questions you might have before precinct voting commences.

Thank you. "

Well, it ain't JackM epic poetry, but it's what I've got, so I'll use it.

God help me if I hear one more story about Huckabee's passive-agressive hypocricy between now & 7pm tonight. I'll be needing your prayers tonight, and please be sure to ask God to give me the strength to keep from screaming WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE at all the "holy rollers".

posted by Russ from Winterset at 11:58 AM