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January 01, 2008

You make any resolutions this year?

Or should I say "Did you make any resolutions you want to share with the rest of us?"

I made a couple. I'm too lazy to make ten of them, so you're all saved from a "Top Ten" list here.

1. I resolve to stop shaking my head and ignoring people who start talking about "911 Truth" conspiracies. Next time I hear someone spouting off about how "WTC Building 7" couldn't have been felled without a planned demolition, I swear to God I'm going to go after them like Rosie O'Donnell going after a chocolate-covered honey-roast ham. If we start treating these retards like people who discuss their favorite kiddie porn website in public, maybe they'll realize that a big ol' glass of "Shut The Fuck Up" isn't just for breakfast anymore.

2. I resolve to spend quality time with my son/daughter (we've told the doctors we don't want to know the sex ahead of time) after their arrival in April. Baby from Winterset is going to get a steady diet of reading and other educational activities - you know, like reading him/her "Winning Pocket Billiards" by Willie Mosconi, "The Conscience of a Conservative" by Barry Goldwater, and letting him/her watch good educational TV the second season of "Barney Miller" or "The Night Stalker" (the original with Darren McGavin, not that abortion of a remake the SciFi channel tried to put out a couple of years ago). And you can be damn sure that Baby from Winterset will grow up on a steady diet of classic cartoons, Looney Tunes and "Rocky & Bullwinkle" for example. None of that crappy anime stuff for my kid (I've always thought that anime cartoons are Japan's response to Hiroshima & Nagasaki), and I want my kid to look up at me after watching an episode of SpongeBob and say "Eh, it was pretty good, but it could have used more anvils and TNT."

3. I resolve that when I stand up to speak to the Madison County Republicans about Fred Thompson this coming Thursday night, I shall find a way to use the phrase "He's the only important man on that stage" in my speech. I'm not creative enough to work in a "Where's Joe?" or "Put me some Effing Knowledge Here!", and I doubt that Iowa Republicans know enough to be threatened by me bringing up the spectre of Vinnie Falcone.

4. I resolve to watch more hockey in 2008. It's a great sport, and I've got a college club team (Iowa State Cyclones), a Junior A team (Des Moines Buccaneers), and an AHL team (Iowa Stars) within an hour's driving time from my front door.

5. I resolve to tell Ace how appreciative I am for the opportunity to share my thoughts here. Buddy, that big package the UPS driver is going to drop off on your porch this next week? Free Range Hobo. I punched a couple of airholes in the box, but I'm afraid that he might not be in very good shape after shipping. They wanted to charge me an extra $50 for shipping him in the heated portion of the plane, and, well, let's face it.......I'm not THAT appreciative.

The rest of you? Share your resolutions, serious and otherwise.

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posted by Russ from Winterset at 05:16 PM

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