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October 27, 2007

Ten Signs that Your Life Isn't Exactly Going as Planned

In no particular order:

1. You have cribbed one of Jack M's epic love poems and sent it to an online paramour.

2. You know more than five words of a made-up sci-fi language like Klingon, Goa'uld, Fremen or Danish.

3. You've ever had to use the phrase: "It's not a comic book. It's a GRAPHIC NOVEL!"

4. You've ever used a movie quote in an uncomfortable context. Sure, quotes from the Holy Trinity ("Caddyshack", "Fletch", "Animal House") are comprehensible by 98% of the people in the free world, but a gutbuster laugh line from "Repo Man" or "Let It Ride" might draw blank stares from a crowd of people with real lives. (*)

5. You think that the "Highlander" movie franchise went off track in the first sequel, and the whole story line would be better off if they had inserted some Broadway musical numbers instead of all the fighting.

6. You took an old girlfriend to a movie on Valentine's Day. The Movie? "From Dusk 'til Dawn" (substitute "The Exorcist", any of the "Saw" movies, or "Brokeback Mountain" depending on your age). Bonus points if you ended up married to this woman.

7. You convince yourself that the "Ron Paul 2008" bumpersticker on your '98 Subaru Outback makes you look like a real constitutional scholar.

8. You lie in bed late at night pondering your future when the words "I always knew I'd die alone" pop into your head. You're immediately shaken by the heavy truth in that statement, and lie there wondering where your life went wrong for at least a half hour... until you remember that this little bit 'o wisdom is a quote from Captain Kirk taken from the 5th Star Trek movie.

9. Instead of getting a 23-year old stripper girlfriend, hairplugs & a convertible for your midlife crisis, you immerse yourself in "World of Warcraft" or one of it's equivalents.

10. You find yourself working bizarre internet inside jokes into conversations with your real-life friends. Phrases like "puppy blender", "Stuff Jefferson Said", "I'll make you into an Internet Verb", "beclown yourself" or "It's Hobo Stranglin' Time!" don't go over too well at suburban barbecues, especially when they come up abruptly in conversations about the last PTA meeting or the upcoming bond issue for the new aquatic park.

11. You've ever bought an old CD on impulse. Not because it's a great disc, but because the one kinda OK track on the whole disc was playing in the background that time back in college when that drunk brunette let you touch her Hoo-Hahs at 3am in a booth at Subway during your big post-Finals Week celebratory drinking binge.

Just a sample list. Feel free to add your own ideas.

(*) Quotes from "Office Space" are exempted from this rule, because anyone who hasn't seen that movie isn't worth having a conversation with anyway. Unless it's your gramma or mother, in which case let the bitch know that she's on effing notice & encourage her to get with the program and see the movie already.


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posted by Russ from Winterset at 01:13 PM

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