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October 19, 2007

Doctor Feelgood Contest Winners

Original thread here, about a dentist who used a somewhat implausible explanation for massaging his patients' breasts.

It says 'Top Ten,' but there's more than ten and they're listed whimsically, roughly in order of ascending filth.

Side note: I said the words "uterus can go under crab rangoon" out loud to myself while arranging the post. That's happened many times since I became a co-blogger here, but this is the first time it actually meant something.

Top Ten Signs Your Doctor Might Be Sexually Abusing You

* In his Dental School graduation photos, his face has been 'swirled'.

* The dental chair has a quarter slot for vibrate.

* You notice that there are handcuffs on the instrument tray.

* You tell him you've never heard of "Tantric Dentistry".

* The scheduling clerk gives you that 'knowing wink'.

* You wake up and see that little drool vacuum in his pants.

* He tells you he can determine the onset of gum disease by testing your nipple sensitivity [edited slightly for format].

* The gown provided to you to wear is actually a vintage 1970's Wonder Woman outfit with the crotch cut out.

* All of your dental x-rays seem to include a pelvic bone.

* His business card lists him as an "Eye, Ear, Nose, Throat and Poontang" specialist.

* All of the hygienists are asian and dressed in leather.

* After each appointment, your nipples are 'minty fresh'.

* After a cleaning your mouth tastes like crab rangoon.

* He prefers to do your dental surgery by going in through the uterus.

* There are three anal probes, four ball gags and one cock ring in his autoclave.

* After whitening your teeth he notes you are also in serious need of an anal bleaching. The hygienist nods in agreement.

* Instead of cleaning your teeth he just spends forty-five minutes trying to foot-fuck you.

* You wake up from the anesthesia and all you see are testicles.

* He has a suspiciously well thought out argument prepared regarding how taking a dump on your chest is implicit in the Hippocratic Oath.

Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to all for being so danged funny.

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posted by LauraW. at 10:55 AM

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