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October 16, 2007

Notice: Ace Was Viciously Beaten By Leftwing Thugs; Condition Stable But Smelly

Hi. This is "Coops," a friend of Ace's, and I'm typing this in my blackberry just to let you know the bad news, but that everything's okay. Earlier today Ace was walking his dog in the vicinity of an irregular-alcohol discount center and was beset, from what I can tell from his bloody gurglings, by a mad band of angry lefties.

I didn't know he had a dog but apparently he did. What's become of the dog? I have no idea. Perhaps it escaped, or perhaps it too was savagely beaten.

I think we are tetering on the edge of a civil war. I cannot believe that a man can no longer walk his dog in safety past a store specializing in the sale of alcohol rejected by the FDA as containing dangerous levels of methyl alcohol as well as a trace levels of bovine urine.

Please take this time to make wildly uninformed speculations about his assailants as well as to mutter darkly about the coming re-education camps for liberals and various vengeances you might seek. Ace is incoherent and stinks badly of shoddy vodka and cow piss but I think we should all take what few delirious words he mumbles as a jumping off point for fever dreams of political violence.

Ace would have wanted it that way.

Courage. I will update as I learn more.

Update: I think he just said "Al Franken." Al Franken must have been the ringleader of the gang that beat him, and so he should be beaten himself mercilessly in response!

Go to it!

I should note, just for the sake of accuracy, that he may not have said "Al Franken." That's what it sounded like, sort of, but he was mumbling. He might have said "Get off of my sac," maybe because I had just driven my elbow into his groin to see if there would be a response.

But I'm pretty sure he said "Go assault Al Franken." It just seems to make more sense in context.


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posted by Ace at 06:08 PM

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