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July 16, 2007

HuffPo Mental Patient Recommends Stocking Up On Survivalist Goods For Coming Civil War, Urges Violent Action Against Government

We'll all soon be told this is meant to be satirical, of course.

It doesn't read that way, unless "satirical" now means "deranged."

I recommend you start stocking up on medicine, food, gallons of water, toilet paper, reading material, Potassium Nitrate, Charcoal powder, and Sulfur. Because soon you will notice that things will start drying up from lack of interstate commerce, shortly after the upcoming Terrah-ist Attack on the NewNited States of Murka.

It's already been announced by Michael Chertoff, though he neglected to provide us with a specific date.

And today the Justice Department (a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Fourth Black Branch of Shadow Government) paved the way for the impending declaration of Martial Law in the wake of said Attack, as provided for in Son of the Patriot Act and the Military Sins of Commission Act, both passed last year.

Those "laws" make it painfully clear that the Executing Branch of Government can order FEMA and the Military to round up anyone who threatens the New American Century People (formerly known as US) and throw them in one of the 13 new Federal prisons built to house dissenters. Alls it takes is one big friggin' disaster (like a Katrina or a 9/11) and the POTUS can jail us.


I think we're past Impeachment boys and girls. First of all, we don't have the votes in the Senate, and we don't have the testicular fortitude in the House.

No. I think we have to take matters into our own hands and round up what's left of the National Guard in each state. We then cut off the power to the White House and blockade the mother so no food or water can get inside. Then we start pumping marijuana smoke in until they have to evacuate the building. Smoke 'em out, to quote a famous military leader, the one with the codpiece on the flight deck.

Then we put Shrubby and Deadeye Dick, and anyone else left alive after the firefight outside the Rose Garden, in a cage so's we can haul them around the country behind a John Deere tractor.

I think I've mentioned this before, but at an old job I was tasked with finding out who was sending the company unsettling letters that dripped with paranoid schizophrenia.

Apart from the obvious paranoid tone of this demented scrabbling, there's another hallmark of the paranoid schizophrenic literary style -- the stubborn refusal to call anything by its proper name, instead favoring a childish made-up language of tastelessly fey substitutes ("NewNited States of Murika," etc.)

The big one -- missing here -- is the "usage" of quotation "marks" around every other "word" so as to cast "suspicion" upon "it," but apart from that, this guy is obviously familiar with The Elements of Paranoid Schizophrenic Style (by White, Strunk, and Dahmer).

Almost As Nutters: Zsa-Zsa Huffington is absolutely positive that John McCains collapse is due to his support of the war and the surge, which makes sense, given that all of his opponents are in favor of immediate withdrawal and are therefore rising in the polls.

Oh wait, they support the war and the surge too?

Gee, then I guess I'm scratching my head trying to figure out what prominent policy position McCain recently took which made him unpopular with the party.

Gun to my head, I'm drawing a blank.

Guess she must be right -- must be the war.

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posted by Ace at 04:10 PM

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