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July 02, 2007

What I've Learned From FoxNews Lately, Six Goddamn Nights In A Row

1. There is a great deal of steroid use in "pro wrestling."
1.a. There is also a great deal of use of other illicit drugs.
1.b. This is an accepted part of the "wrestling lifestyle."
1.c. "Pro wrestling" is not, as you might have thought, actually real. It's fake, if you can believe such a thing.
1.c.(i) They said so and everything.
1.c.(ii) So don't kick my ass for bursting your bubble.

2. The rampant steroid and drug use in the "wrestling" lifestyle is is covered up by the WWE.
2.a. Vince MacMahon himself injects steroids, or "juices."
2.a.(i) I mean, just look at him.
2.a.(ii) Seriously, look at him. It's pretty obvious when you think about it.

3. Steroids can produce a state called "steroid rage."
3.a. This may also be called "roid rage."
3.b. If you're Geraldo, you should call steroids "steeeeroids."

4. "Stone Cold Steve Austin" used to slug his wife around, but she now has a successful career as a tv commentator with expertise about how Stone Cold Steve Austin used to slug her around.
4.a. She used to be in the wrestling world, too, so she knows about the "wrestling lifestyle" (see 1.b., supra).

5. There "may be more to this mystery" as "this mystery continues to unfold."
5.a. The Wikipedia profile may be the key to "blowing this mystery wide open."
5.b. Shep Smith may have more on this "developing mystery" after this break.
5.c. Then again, he might not.
5.d. Also, global warming is real. Really. This is ol' Shep tellin' you that.
5.d.(i) And that's the name of that tune.

6. The immigration bill was defeated due to racism (Geraldo) or nativism (Kondracke), by a small group of "loud" extremists, but the rest of the country favored the bill.
6.a. Talk radio is bad.
6.b. Because talk radio panders to the lowest common denominator in the country.
6.c. Unlike, say, Geraldo Rivera's breathless reports that "pro wresting" is fake and there is rampant "steeroid" use in the "wrestling lifestyle" (see 1, 1.a., 1.b., and 3.b., supra).

I've had it.

Meanwhile... on liberal CNN, Anderson Cooper is doing a tick-tock of the failed London bombings and subsequent investigations. It doesn't add much to what most of us already know, but it does have the benefit of actually being news.

I think I'm giving up on FoxNews. The channel has become far too aggressively lowbrow, stupid, and carnival-barker-ish for my tastes. My tastes aren't exactly elevated, but I do have limits, and FoxNews has violated mine.

Almost every time I have the channel on I feel stupid, because it's so clearly chasing the stupid demographic. And I'm not part of that demographic, and do not wish to be treated as part of that demographic.

Maybe this is how it's been getting ratings all along and I never noticed. Well, I'm noticing now. I'd rather watch friggin' CNN than this televised coloring book for mental defectives.

I'll still watch Hume, Wallace, and Red Eye, of course. And O'Reilly every now and again, when he's on about some outrage or has a good guest. But as a general matter, that's it for me.

No wonder airports and hospitals and hotels run CNN and only CNN. There is political bias, and then there is bias against the aggressively, obnoxiously submoronic. I can't blame anyone for having the latter bias.

Now CNN Is Discussing (Vaguely) the Bombs' Construction and Detonation Problems: Ummm... shouldn't FoxNews sort of be reporting on terrorism?

Maybe on Pakistan?

Maybe on the Hezbollah bomb-maker caught in Iraq?

Maybe the terrorists killed Steve Benoit. Maybe that's what Shep Smith keeps hinting at.

Here's some news for Fox: Your core audience is conservative. Not retarded. I assure you they're not the same thing, though you seem to believe they are.

Oh, Right, That's Why I Don't Watch CNN: After promising that his show doesn't take sides, Cooper presents an "analysis" of the Libby pardon so breathtakingly one-sided I have trouble believing I just saw it on a "news" channel, labeled as "news" rather than opinion.


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posted by Ace at 09:53 PM

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