On The Huffington Post: "How To Tell If Your Husband Is Gay"

You may laugh, but given the readership of the Huffington Post -- largely clueless, and so pro-gay marriage they're all in favor of marrying gays themselves -- this is a bona fide public service.

Lapsed Leftist brings the Big Funny in suggesting a surefire reason to suspect your husband is gay: "Your name is Arianna Huffington."

The post is inspired by this ABCNews story titled The [Former NJ Governor Jim] McGreevey Effect: Is Your Husband Gay? Here's some sage advice:

It's a larger number than people suspect," said Bonnie Kaye, the author of "Is He Gay? A Checklist of Women Who Wonder."

Kaye says that she has counseled more than 30,000 women who've been married to gay men. "It's been this way forever. The numbers have stayed the same even as the country's attitudes about homosexuality have changed."

And why do so many gay men and women get married? "Because people don't want to be gay," Kaye said. "It's a very hard way to live. Guys who get married are hoping that if they love their wife enough, that love will change their sexuality."

...

The obvious question: Can't you tell that your spouse is gay?

It's not always that easy and there is plenty of denial involved, says Amity Pierce Buxton, the founder of the support group Straight Spouse Network.

...

"The first reaction is shock and disbelief and some relief, because it explains some unspoken problems that seem to be lurking there," she said. "The biggest shock is not the revelation but the fact that they've been betrayed and deceived for so many years."

But what about specifics? How can you actually tell? ABCNews provides a list. Some of these are real; some of these I just made up. In a couple of cases you may have trouble telling the real ones from the fake ones.

In her book, Kaye included "The Gay Husband Checklist," which lists ways for women to detect whether or not their husband is gay:

1. If your husband thinks you are a nymphomaniac or "pushy and aggressive" because you want sex twice a week.

2. If your husband's Netflix queue consists of only four films, constantly rotated and re-watched: Dreamgirls, Mystic Pizza, My Best Friend's Wedding, and Deliverence: The Suppressed "Mountain Love" Cut.

3. If sexual activity steeply declines within the first few years of marriage.

4. If sexual activity with other guys dramatically increases the first few years of marriage.

5. You're always more sexually aggressive than your husband.

6. Your husband prefers "doggy-style" sex, and frequently suggests "Why don't I be the one to get on all fours this time? I worry about your knees giving out."

7. If your husband is turned off by the thought of touching your vaginal area or performing oral sex on you.

8. If your husband is turned off by the thought of you touching his penis or performing oral sex on him, unless you're wearing a mask that looks exactly like Matt "Joey" LeBlanc.

9. If his best friend is gay.

10. If his gay lover is gay.

11. If he hangs out in gay bars.

12. If he hangs out at Starbucks.

13. If he enjoys watching gay porn movies and surfing gay porn Web sites.

14. If he won't shut the fuck up about Lost.

15. If he is excessively homophobic, mocking and imitating other gay men.

16. If he is insufficiently homophobic, and screams "Don't judge me!" everytime you use the expression "lips so plump he could could suck the ugly out of Michael Moore."

17. If he brags about gay men complimenting him on his looks.

18. If he brags about gay men complimenting him on "how sweet he gives it up."

Okay, basically, the odd numbered ones are real -- straight from the ABC article -- and the even numbered ones were fake. Which means that these "subtle hints" were real:

If your husband is turned off by the thought of touching your vaginal area or performing oral sex on you.

If his best friend is gay.

If he hangs out in gay bars.

If he enjoys watching gay porn movies and surfing gay porn Web sites.

Best friend gay -- okay, I can see that one going either way; one of my best buds is a homo. Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don't dig that. Who the hell knows what's going on down there. It's like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.

But hanging out in gay bars and enjoying watching gay porn and cruising gay websites? We need a book to alert us of these "subtle hints"?

Dear Ace of Spades Advisor,

Lately I've become concerned that my husband may be gay. The other day he said he was going out bowling but by chance I stumbled upon him at a highway rest stop. Literally stumbled upon him. He was writhing around naked on the ground with eight other naked men like a frenzy of copulating snakes. Should I "read anything into this," or just assume it was all maybe due to a bet he lost while bowling?

Sincerely,

Confused in Seattle

Dear Confused in Seattle,

Are you retarded?

Sincerely,

Ace of Spades Advisor

Some more wisdom:

Buxton is skeptical that there are clear signs of gayness.

I think the gay bar and gay porn thing are pretty clear signs.

"Straight men like to cook and decorate and there are gay men who like to do construction work so it's hard to generalize like that."

She went on to add that "straight men like to blow other dudes, and some gay men are all about the 'gina, so again, it's very hard to establish clear 'rules.'"

Another Subtle Clue: Norm MacDonad's special birthday gift.

Thanks to Jack M.

posted by Ace at 05:36 PM

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