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April 16, 2007

Murdered Xenomorph In Russia; Goblins For Sale In Zimbabwe

Goblins! Buy three and get a timesaving Miracle Kobold (TM) at no extra charge!

Belief in goblins is still persistent in Zimbabwe, fuelled by a desire for quick riches, fame and power. And there are people ready, for a large fee, to "manufacture" them to feed the desires of the gullible.

And sometimes this "manufacture" will involve more than just a cash fee. Rape, mutilation and even murder have been committed, although few will ever admit to such crimes.

But even "making" goblins would probably be illegal under the Witchcraft Suppression Act, since it is an act of witchcraft. Some of the processes would also be crimes under other laws.

But how easy is it to acquire a "goblin" -- genuine or fake?


The "goblin" was a scary-looking object, a fierce doll made up of a black cloth, animal hide and beads.

We were instructed not to eat chicken for the rest of our lives, tell no one about this "goblin" and prepare a safe, comfortable place where we would keep it.

We would also need to perform rituals every year and pay homage to the "goblin" so that it would continue blessing us.

A special cloth popularly known in Shona as retso was to be used to wrap the goblin.

To protect ourselves, we asked about the correct method of disposing of the "goblin" if we no longer wanted it.


We paid $890 000 for our newly acquired "asset" and left Sekuru Nzaramuroyi's tiny room before we locked up the strange-looking "creature" in the back of our pick-up truck.

Um, I'm guessing the Zimbabe dollar doesn't go as far as the American one, and perhaps only half as far as the Canadian one.

Okay, but what about that murder thing? Well, a real goblin contains human body parts:

We then took the "goblin" to Zinatha.

The organisation's deputy secretary for administration and information, Mr Tapera Dzviti, said the purported "goblin" was nothing more than a fake pixie made from baboon hide, beads, a traditional clay plate and African potato.

"This goblin is not genuine. As Zinatha we are aware that there has been mushrooming of fake n'angas that sell fake goblins," Mr Dzviti said.

He said the real thing was made up of different animal hides, herbs, cooking oil and human parts.

Mr Dzviti said the most common human parts used were fingers, hair or bones.

A genuine goblin should talk the way a human being does.

"A real goblin has powers that allow it to talk because it is made from a dead person's spirit. During the making of the goblin the traditional healer goes to the grave of the dead person they want to raise and conduct the ritual," Mr Dzviti said.

Not to geek out here, but they seem to be talking about a homonculous, not a goblin. Though I confess I don't know real-world myths about goblins.


Researchers looking into the case of “Alionshenka the Alien” have arrived at a sensational conclusion: the mysterious creature did not catch his death of cold as previously thought. They believe the supposed alien was killed.

“He didn’t die from natural causes,” said Vadim Chernobrov, a coordinator with the public research center Kosmopoisk. “We found out that his skull had been fractured,” Chernobrov added.

The mysterious dwarf was found near the town of Kyshtym of the Chelyabinsk region. Stanislav Samoshkin is a morbid anatomist who performed autopsy on the body of the dwarf in a local hospital. He was the first to claim that the creature was a non-human being.

Well, that picture convinces me. You can tell how serious these scientists are, given the out-of-focus picture, and the use of a high-tech pink pillow from a Turkish whorehose as a laboratory table.

“The human skull consists of six bones. The skull of that creature was made up of four bones,” Samoshkin said.

Russian and foreign researchers have been trying to unravel the mystery of the “Uralian alien” for eleven years. The story looks like a detective novel in progress. The body of the dwarf was reportedly stolen. The key witness to the case, an old woman who actually named the dwarf “Alioshenka”, died a sudden death.

In related news, Samhita from Feministing is calling for "goblinoid liberation," and Jill from Feministe is pretty certain the Duke lacrosse team killed the ailen.

Thanks to dri and JackStraw.

Bonus! Help A Geek Who's Defending The Nation! Ziggurat Con will be a D&D convention in Iraq in June, and they need whatever geekly stuff you can send them.

The largest problem with running a Con in Iraq, of course, is that there are no local stores or game publishers, and few game books on the post. Even dice are in short supply, with many soldiers breaking the unwritten taboo held by many gamers and (gasp!) sharing dice. Thankfully, many game publishers have also lent their support, and have agreed to supply game products to help the Con along. aethereal FORGE, Sovereign Press, Final Redoubt Press, Goodman Games, Paizo Publishing and Steve Jackson Games are among those that have thrown in their support for the convention. But Amberson indicated that the soldiers could definitely use more.

Dorks... who can kill you.

Is your wife embarrassed by your refusal to throw out your six hundred Rifts rulebooks? Send 'em here:

Donations can also be sent to SPC Amberson directly at the following address:

SPC David Amberson
A Co 86th Sig Bn
APO, AE 09331

Curious: What the hell is a goblin, really? I mean, I know they don't exist. But what are they supposed to be? Every Halloween I hear about "ghosts and goblins." Well, I know what a ghost looks like, but what about a goblin?

All I can envision is the goblins from the Rankin-Bass version of The Hobbit.

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posted by Ace at 05:49 PM

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