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December 04, 2006

"Burning Sunnis" Story Unconfirmed By NYT, Time... And Even Al Jazeera Doesn't Report It

So says Dan Riehl, combing the news for how other outlets are handling this.

Eh, what does it matter? Let's face it, you don't need reporters in Iraq. Which is good, because we have almost none. Let's just follow the AP's lead and make stuff up that sounds sort of plausible. We know the "Big Picture" is that it's ceaseless, intensifying violence; what do the little nits and details of it matter?

I will now be an Iraq reporter, reporting from my bed in Massachusetts. Like so:


Shi'ite "Rape Squads" Rampage Sunni Neighborhoods, "Punishing" Women Suspected of Aiding Family Members In Insurgency

R A M A D I -- They came in the dead of night. In the four am desert cold, a gang of ten to twenty masked men raided the small village of Bina'il, systematically raping women and girls, some as young as eight.

None of the victims of the rapes would speak openly about the event with Acewire News Service, owing to the Muslim taboo against victims of rape. But Captain Jamil Hussein confirmed the events of the night. "It was like nothing I've ever seen," police captain Hussein said from his office inside a Ramadi Mailboxes, Etc. storage closet. "Women were dragged out of their homes, by their hair, by their feet, and raped in front of the men of the village, who were forced to watch at gunpoint."

The masked raiders screamed at the villagers, blaming them for supporting the insurgency, and shouting they were all now "whores" who would be condemned to hell by the violations.

Tensions have been rising in Iraq since Sunnis successfully unearthed the giant mutant bat Rodan from his grave in the southerly Anbar province, and set him after the city of Basra, promising him "giant mutant casaba melons" to snack on if he killed at least three hundred Shi'ites.

rodan.jpg
Police Captain Jamil Hussein called Rodan
"the greatest recruiting tool bin Ladin ever had,"
although, he said, bin Ladin is known to prefer
Gamerra on the whole.

Police Captain Jamil Husein described the carnage as he walked his beat, which consists of the front portion of the Mailboxes, Etc., between the envelope racks and copying machines.

"There was this great big humanoid vampire bat flying around, shooting huge bolts of lighting of his mouth," Captain Hussein said as changed the toner cartridge of a copier. "He was knocking down entire buildings. And then, in one of the most horrifying scenes I've ever witnessed, this three-hundred foot tall vampire bat began dragging women out of their homes and raping them."

Asked how such a violation was even physically possible, Captain Hussein said merely, "Exactly. How is such a thing even possible at all?"

The cycle of violence promises to grow still worse, however, as there are dark rumors that Shi'ites are seeking "the ultimate revenge" for the Rodan incindent. They have cast a Satanic spell to resurrect the butcher of Whitechapel, Jack the Ripper himself, and will set him against Rodan. "He's going to be three hundred feet tall, too," Police Captain Hussein said as he polished his various accomodations, one for bravery, another for service above the call of duty, and a third for being the World's Greatest Golfer. "The giant Satanic zombiespawn Jack the Ripper is going to slit Rodan's throat, cut out his innards, and then drag him by his hair down the street and rape him in front of his Sunni relatives."

"Where will it all end?" Police Captain Jamil Hussein asks himself wistfully. "I wish I knew," he says as he punches a customer's "Frequent Faxer" card. "I wish I knew."

Kathleen Carroll of the Associated Press contributed to this story. She also says if you question a word of it you're an agenda-driven retard.

Pulitzer me!

FoxNews... covers the Hussein/Burning Man story.


digg this
posted by Ace at 03:12 PM

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