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August 29, 2006

Participatory Democracy In Action

Like many of you, I am appalled that one person, the so-called "Secret Hold Senator", is able to block the democratic process for his own selfish reasons. So deep and insulting is this affront that I woke up this morning and, for the first time, wrote a letter to my senator, Susan Collins.

I'm posting it here in the hope that it will encourage all of you to do the same. Democracy simply does not work if citizens refuse to get involved.

Content Warning: Extremely NSFW language after the jump.

Dear Senator Collins,

It has recently come to my attention that one of your colleagues in the Senate has placed what is being called a “secret hold” on S.2590, a bill that would allow for the creation of a publicly available database to track the distribution of federal grants and contracts. How anyone could oppose such a useful and needed piece of legislation is beyond me, for I feel that the benefits would be of immeasurable importance to our great republic. I personally have a great many concerns about where my tax dollars go. Specifically:

1. Are we focused enough on developing new assfuck technologies? We boast the mightiest army the world has ever known, but I fear the creation of a “butt-sex gap” emerging between our capabilities and those of our enemies. The ability to lay waste an entire continent with nuclear weapons is useful, but it is insignificant compared to the power to tap that ass. If my Xandria catalogue is anything to go by, the Scandinavian nations are already dangerously advanced in this crucial field. Faster, please.
2. Why can’t I watch my special edition DVD of “Serenity” in 3D? When I voted for you in 2000, it was with the understanding that you would introduce a bill earmarking federal funds for the development of next-generation 3D television sets with pictures so real that I would “shit all over my balls”. Granted, you never specifically said this, but it was clearly implied in your campaign literature. Six years in I have yet to see a single Reever jump off the screen in a frenzied attempt to rape me to death, eat my flesh, and sew my skin into its clothing. Where, Madam, has that money gone?
3. Are we still spending all sorts of money on schools? Because I don’t want to. Congress’ absurd pro-child bias is grossly out of step with the values of the American people and it’s time that someone bore responsibility for it. While I admit that there is a place in our educational system for pencils and textbooks, I fear that we have strayed from more traditional methods. My own educational materials consisted of nothing more than a gladiator harness, bootleg corn liquor, and a leather fetish mask, and I turned out okay. Let’s not coddle our next generation of leaders.

For these reasons and others, I strongly urge that you support the ongoing efforts to ferret out the person or persons responsible for blocking this much-needed bill.

A Loyal Constituent

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posted by AndrewR at 12:02 PM

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