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August 28, 2006

Top Ten Excuses Offered By Dog For Crashing Car

10. "I could swear that oncoming sedan looked like a large, metallic squirrel."

9. "I thought vehicles had the power of dematerialization, like in those fascinating Chuck Wagon commercials."

8. "Everything was going fine until I realized it had been three minutes since I licked my balls."

7. "It wasn't my fault. The other driver was Chinese. 'Nuff said."

6. "You know that whole 'faking the throw' thing? Yeah, yeah. That's funny. Really funny. Oh, my ribs are aching. You know what else is funny? Head-on collisions, bitch."

5. "Two words: Cell phone. My best friend was just telling me about this ratty old gym sneaker she was gnawing on that just sounded so to die for and I guess I just got caught up in the moment."

4. "I was having a stressful day at the office, putting the finishing touches on a proposed merger between my snout and the mailman's genitals."

3. "Honestly, my Blood-Snausage-Ratio was no higher than .08."

2. "Gotta admit... I looked pretty damn cool for about three-quarters of a second there."

...and the number one excuse offered by the dog for crashing the car...

1. "I'm very sad about all of this, but can I say one thing in my defense? I'm a fucking dog, moron."

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posted by Ace at 11:17 AM

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