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July 31, 2006

Bulwer-Lytton Awards For Internet "Slash" Fan-Fic

Hokay. The Bulwer-Lytton Awards were established to recognize the worst opening lines in published fiction.

"Slash" fan-fic is a type of lunatic Internet twaddle in which writers, so to speak, write obscenely sexual porn about people from TV shows and movies. For some reason, a lot of women geeks write it, and for some other reason, they seem to prefer homosexual liasons between male characters. The shorthand "slash" derives from their indication of who is involved in the sexual doings: Gimli/Legolas, James Bond/M, etc.

And they seem to have a particular hard-on for "Kirk-slash-Spock" couplings.

Anyway, Something Awful has looked for the worst opening lines in "slash" fan-fic. Content warning, obviously. I don't think there's anything worse than this:

Lennie Briscoe had a case, a case that meant the difference between the bad guys going to jail for a very long time and the perps walking on a technicality, but standing between Briscoe and Justice was DA Jack McCoy and the only way to get him to press charges on the suspects was to make the DA [orgasm] harder than he ever had before, which wasn't an easy task when you had A-list [fellatrices] like, Lt. Van Buren, who had been known to ride a stiff at a crime scene until it came back to life.

Lennie Briscoe.

For the love of everthing holy, the man is dead.

I sort of doubt the physics of using a hobbit as an inserted sexual device, but apparently one can do so, even "until only the little manlet's feet dangle[] out."

I would propose a contest along these lines, but it would be far too depressing and creepy.

Scott sends this homoerotic, Abu Ghraib style "slash" coupling:

Surely there must be an injunction against this in Leviticus somewhere.

Something needs to be done.



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posted by Ace at 10:17 PM

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