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July 19, 2006

A Little Ginger To Cleanse The Palette


Jennifer Connelly, before she decided to shed all that "ungainly baby fat," also known as "her beautiful enormous funbags."

I think that's from Mulholland Falls, also known as The Movie Where You Fast-Forward Through Nick Nolte And Chaz Palmenterri For A Half Hour, See Connelly Naked, And Then Immediately Turn The Film Off and Watch SportsCenter.

Has anyone ever actually watched that film, except to see Connelly naked? I think it's the movie where the four cops are called, I shit you not, "The Hat Squad." I'd've loved to hear the pitch-meeting for this piece of shit.

SCREENWRITER: See, they're these four tough cops. Edgy. Unforgettable.

PRODUCER: What makes them so unforgettable?

SCREENWRITER: Well, see, they're called "The Hat Squad," because, get this, they all wear hats. Fedoras and stuff.

PRODUCER: I love it! So it's a modern-day noir in which the characters dress like throwback s fromthe forties and fifties!

SCREENWRITER: Well, no, it's actually set in the late 1940's.

PRODUCER: Then why are they called "The Hat Squad"?

SCREENWRITER: Because they wear hats. I thought I mentioned that.

PRODUCER: But everyone wore hats then. Why not just call them "The Socks Squad" ?

SCREENWRITER: Well, I don't know if they all wear socks, necessarily. I haven't finished the script. I haven't fully realized each of the characters vis a vis his socks-wearing preferences.

PRODUCER: Okay, well then "The Pants Squad." I imagine they all wear pants. It's just that-- in the late forties, everyone wore hats. So calling them "The Hat Squad" is kinda stupid. It's like calling them "The Guys Who Are Pretty Much Like Everyone Else."

SCREENWRITER: But hats are cool.

PRODUCER: Well, I don't know. I think I'm going to have to pass.

SCREENWRITER: I have a friend who talked to Jennifer Connelly and she says she's willing to appear nude in it.

PRODUCER: Oh. Ohhhhhh. I see. Hang on, I'll get financing rolling on this.

SCREENWRITER: I'd like Nick Nolte as one of the guys in the hats.

PRODUCER (on the phone now): It really doesn't matter. I don't care if it stars Gallagher and three of his watermelons.

SCREENWRITER: I think Nolte would bring a weary authenticity to the role that, ummm, Gallagher wouldn't.

PRODUCUER (shrugging): Either/or. If we can't get Nolte or Gallagher, we could get, oh, I don't know, the Robot from Lost in Space.

SCREENWRITER: I'm not sure you could fit a hat on that robot.

PRODUCER: Let's let Wardrobe do their jobs, huh, Shakespeare? You just worry about finishing this amazing script, Jennifer Connelly's Big Fat Naked Lovepumpkins.

SCREENWRITER: Mulholland Falls.

PRODUCER: That's good too. A little over-subtle, but still good.

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posted by Ace at 04:21 PM

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