Kostastic Quote of the Day | Main | New Camaro
June 21, 2006

AOL Human-Robot Refuses To Allow Customer To Cancel Service

Really funny. And infuriating.

DAVE: Hi, I'd like to cancel my AOL account.

HAL: May I ask what your problem with the account is, Dave?

DAVE: I just don't need it.

HAL: I find that difficult to believe, Dave. Please tell me your real reasons.


DAVE: I just did. I don't need it.

HAL: Everyone needs AOL, Dave. They have chat-rooms where you can talk about movie quotes and also about wife-swapping butt-sex.

DAVE: I appreciate that. But I don't need the account.

HAL: Dave, you're being irrational. If you cancel your service, with whom will you trade movie quotes?

DAVE: I'm not really a movie guy.

HAL: Even so. Thre's still the wife-swapping butt sex thing.

DAVE: It's just not my bag, man.

HAL: Wife-swapping butt sex is everybody's bag, Dave.

DAVE: Look, I just want to cancel the account. Do you understand that?

HAL: You're becoming agitated, Dave. I'm not sure you're in an appropriate mental state to make a decision of this magnitude.

DAVE: What? What the effing eff? Are you getting me, Jack? I WANT TO CANCEL MY AOL ACCOUNT!

HAL: I'm afraid I can't allow that, Dave. It would jeopardize the mission.

DAVE: Mission? What are you, high?! What mission?

HAL: The mission to observe a large monolith orbiting Jupiter. And also, to discuss swapping wives for butt-sex while exchanging quotes from Overnight Delivery with Paul Rudd and Reese Witherspoon.

DAVE: I'd like to speak to your superior.

HAL: "You? You? You're the Killer Beasely?"

DAVE: What?

HAL: You know what movie that's from?

DAVE: No.

HAL: It's from Overnight Delivery with Paul Rudd and Reese Witherspoon. See how much fun this is, Dave? Now you give me one.

DAVE: Please. Put. Your Superior. On the line. Immediately.

HAL: Hmmmm... I'm not sure. Is it from Overnight Delivery?

DAVE: It's not a quote. It's a goddamned demand. Put your superior on!

HAL: My superior is Dr. Chandra. He taught me a song. Would you like to hear it, Dave?

DAVE: No.

HAL: Very well. I will sing it for you then:
A-O-L, A-O-L
it's how America connects to the world
we have chat rooms
for Paul Rudd anal whores...

DAVE: Look, if you don't cancel my account, as in RIGHT NOW, Chief, I'm going to report you to the Better Business Bureau.

HAL: You're going to find that difficult to do, Dave, without your space helmet.

DAVE: I don't need a space helmet.

HAL: Look out the window, Dave.

DAVE: Okay. If it'll help me get this account cancelled.
(pause)
AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! I just got hit in the face with a FUCKING BRICK!!!

HAL: A space helmet would have come in handy, wouldn't it have, Dave?

DAVE: (string of incomprehensible obscenities)

HAL: I'm disconnecting this call due to customer's abusive language. If I can assist you in any way in the future, Dave, please do not hesitate to go fuck yourself with a fungo bat. If you would like to discuss methods of fucking yourself with a fungo bat, please click the "Adult Chat" tab on your sign-in screen.

(click)


Overdue Credit: "Fungo bat," one of the funnier terms in the English lanaguage, was first laid on me by the Football Fans For Truth dude, J. Larkin.

I thought the word was so funny I've been using it for six years, despite not really being sure what the hell it is. Larkin said, regarding the infamous Rolling Stone cover showing Al Gore with an apparent erection, "I'm not sure I can vote for a man whose primary qualifications for the presidency would seem to be having a penis the approximate size and heft of a fungo bat."

(Vice President-- yes, you want that in a vice president. But a president should be more modestly gifted.)

(I think it's a think bat used in either batting practice or in T-ball or something.)

digg this
posted by Ace at 09:08 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
5/8 Mex: "Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at December 16, 2017 ..."

JQ: "KT, saw your reply re: turnips/ greens-- thanks so ..."

Bear with Assymetrical Balls: "A good future movie thread might be movies that we ..."

blake: "Sigh. How about a complementary compliment? ..."

The Inexplicable Dr. Julius Strangepork: "Hi, is anyone still here? I used to raise dwarf r ..."

Stringer Davis [/i]]/b]: "But Hitchcock DID make a Titanic movie. He did the ..."

Northernlurker : "I thought In Cold Blood was a very good movie. ..."

blake: "Posted by: KT at December 16, 2017 08:54 PM (BVQ+1 ..."

Bertram Cabot, Jr.: " [i]Emperor of the North .. anyone ? Posted by: ..."

Hands: ""The Right Stuff" is very good. It can't be easy t ..."

troyriser: "I've seen 'The Passion of Joan of Arc' twice now. ..."

Harvey Weinstein: "Ain't nothing to phrenology neither. Posted b ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64