What Super-Secret Information The NSA Has On You

What would the NSA find if it analyzed my calling history? Or yours?

Assuming you're like me, they'll find the following nuggets of super-secret, very private, and potentially comprosing information:

* I call my mom on holidays, her birthday, and a couple of times a month in any event.

* I call my dad less often.

* I call a couple of friends on occasion.

* I occasionally call Dell computer and stay on the phone for hours with them. Then I call them back a couple of times more. Because they can't fix anything on the first or second try. Dell apparently utilizes an analogue of the three-date rule. Sure they'll eventually "put out," but only once you've shown enough persistance to convince them you're really interested in them emotionally.

* And yes, I occasionally call my cable provider, my phone company, guests I'm trying to get on my show, etc.

Liberals-- what super-duper secrets do they have on you?

Of course, anyone could guess at a lot of the people I call. If they simply spoke to a friend about me, they could find out my relatives and friends and so forth, and pretty much know every number I might be dialing in a week.

Liberals like to imagine that the NSA really gives a shit about them.

Trust me, they don't.

You're not very important in the scheme of things. Most of us aren't important "in the scheme of things," actually, but you're, well, a little less than unimportant.

And you must know that, in your hearts.

Let me prove it to you. All you jackasses are running over here to post on my site. When you do so, you provide your IP to me.

I don't like you. I've never met you but I don't like you. You're annoying and venomous and very stupid, and what's worse, you're the sort of stupid that's so stupid it mistakes itself as smart.

The following is NOT a threat; I would NEVER do what I'm about to say I *could* do; I am only saying this to expose your pretense about concerns abour your sacred privacy.

But, you know-- once I have your IP, I could pay $50 for a simple program to find your exact street location, and then it would only take an interent reverse-address look-up to find your name. And then, likely, I could find your employer.

Now, I don't like you. You know that. If you're so worried about your privacy, why are so blithely unconcerned I might do such a thing, and let your employer (assuming you have one, which is a little doubtful, quite frankly) know you're jerking off on the Internet on company time?

Again, I wouldn't do such a thing. Not even because I object to it in principle (though I do). Not because I fear legal ramifications (which are minor and unlikely-- after all, this is information you willngly and knowingly provide to me).

No, I wouldn't do any of that because, fundamentally, I don't give a rat's ass about you. You're not even on my radar. I care less about you than the last cigarette I stubbed out. I have less an emotional investment in you, even in a bad way, than I do about the fact that they voted the "Rocker Dude" off of American Idol.

Now, if I don't give a shit about what you say or what sites you visit or who you communicate with, and you're actually kind of hasselling me by polluting my blog with your stupidity and hatred -- how the hell do you imagine a terrorist-hunter at the NSA has time to give a crap about you?

If you don't have any fear about me -- not screened by security procedures, in no danger of losing my blog-job by using information in an unlawful manner, etc. -- how do you delude yourself into believing the Bush Administration is verrrry concerned about when you call Mom on Mother's Day?

You don't. So stop pretending you are.

I know it's fun to pretend you're important enough to care about, but trust me, you're not. Internet trolling is just about the lowest level of speech, a past-time only for the ineffectal, the impotent. Those with wayyyy too much time on their hands to actually count for beans in real life.

Liberals are forever whining that their right to dissent is being "chilled." If only. You jackasses never seem to shut the eff up, and you seem to have all the time in the world to spit bile at perfect strangers on blogs.

So color me unconvinced you're worried about your privacy.

posted by Ace at 01:50 PM

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