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March 27, 2006

John Kerry's Hotel Rider

Turn about is fair play.

No celery-- John Kerry hates celery!

It's the sort of crap you'd expect. Yogurt, fruits, "recumbent bicycle exercise machines," all the, umm, manly stuff one associates with John Forbes Kerry.

Top Ten Comparisons Between Dick Cheney's and John Kerry's Hotel Requirement Riders

10. John Kerry insists on a "fruit assortment" of limes, kiwis, grapes, and passionfruits; Dick Cheney demands a live cow, a chainsaw, and goggles

9. Dick Cheney demands that all televisions in his suite be set to FoxNews; John Kerry has no demands in this area, at least not until the debut of the "Effete Liberal Douchebag Network"

8. John Kerry demands that the temperature be kept at a chilly 63 degrees, in order to save fossil fuels; Dick Cheney, the same, except he insists on this because he's "just wild about nipples" and never tires of the joke, "It's not polite to point"

7. John Kerry demands eight different-colored trashbags for properly separating and disposing of recyclables; Dick Cheny demands a bone saw and large "mansized" carpet for disposing of "various problems" that crop up

6. Dick Cheney demands a case of hard liquor and illegal BDSM Mexican pornography; John Kerry demands an "Imagination Box" filled with colored tissue paper, swatches of "fun fabrics," glue, glitter, and a Bedazzler-brand rhinstone adhesive gun

5. John Kerry requests that a DVD of the Special Edition of E.T. be available, the version where all the guns have been digitally replaced by walkie-talkies and flashlights; Dick Cheney requests that a special bootleg edition of The Return of the Jedi be available, a version in which all of the Ewoks have been digitally replaced with WWE wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Morgan Fairchild

4. For exercise, John Kerry requires a yoga mat and aerobic "step" platforms; Dick Cheney requires a set of nunchucks and a kidnapped hobo

3. John Kerry requires one hour of undisturbed time for meditation and his daily affirmations; Dick Cheney requires an hour to beat his kidnapped hobo to death, two hours if he's "got some fight in him"

2. Dick Cheney has a standing rule that any call from the President, Donald Rumsfeld, or Condoleeza Rice be put through immediately; John Kerry, the same rule, except the calls must come from Clay Aiken

...and the Number One Comparison Between Dick Cheney's and John Kerry's Hotel Requirement Riders...

1. John Kerry requires an anteroom off his main suite for his "recumbent bicycle exercise machine;" Dick Cheney requires one for his cock, and a second anteroom if Bob Dole or John Bolton are in town

Thanks to Allah and Eric.

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posted by Ace at 02:29 PM

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