Paula Abdul, The New Judy Garland

...except without all that "talent" baggage.

The “American Idol� judge was incoherent on last night’s live telecast, bumbling lines and giggling like she’d just emerged from a Grateful Dead concert, leaving audiences, contestants and host Ryan Seacrest more confused than a homophobic Clay Aiken fan. When Seacrest asked Abdul why two contestants received the fewest votes, she mumbled, head in hands, “Simon said because one of them ate pizza and the other ate salad.� A shocked Seacrest responded, “You guys realize we’re on the air?� Abdul got it together for a few minutes, but during the second round of cuts, she was back to her odd behavior. “What did you tell me Simon?� she said, slurring her words. “What did you tell me? Simon gave me advice and said on “The X Factor� he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon - (laugher) - finds the corn flake always finds the melon and one of you didn’t pick the right fortune.� Huh?

Note to customs officials: Next time Paula comes back from Tijuana, make sure to take a look inside her melons and corn flakes boxes. It's like she wants to be caught.

Okay. So, a few seasons ago, she was banging an 18-year-old (or so) contestant. Now she's coming into work all sloppy-stoned on booze and goofballs.

I can't wait until she's judging via remote-feed from a rehab clinic, and offering contestants "12 steps" to improve their performances. First, accept a higher power. Second, try to "color up" your performance with your "energy."

posted by Ace at 03:30 PM

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