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February 13, 2006

There's Hope For You Fellers Yet: Retards Learn Dating Skills

AllahPundit sent me this nice, cute, heartwarming story about mentally-challenged people being taught dating skills.

Unfortunately, I don't do nice, cute, heartwarming stories, so I've viled this up by adding offensive additions in brackets ("[ ]"). I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this.

All three are learning about dating and relationships as part of "You and I," a program for young adults who are retarded or autistic or have other mental disabilities [such as being a fuckin' retard or somethin'].


"I just love hanging out," said George Korawyckyj, 19 [who declined to wear pants that covered his genitals for the event].

At "You and I" events, the participants β€” the guys ["he-tards"] outnumber the women ["she-tards"] 16 to 3 β€” learn "social-sexual skills," with specifics on body language, grooming and conversation starters [such as "I like firetrucks" or "Spider-monkeys make my pants bulge."] There are also sections on feelings, body awareness and sex education.

The program's coordinator, Bobra Fyne, says it can be tough for parents to realize that their children are [drooling imbeciles] who are ready for relationships.

Jeanette Reyes says her 20-year-old autistic son, Anthony Hasan, "loves girls dearly" but doesn't know how to connect with them [in manners that don't involve duct-tape and pillow-cases filled with wrenches].


Each session ends with a dance hour [and six hours to repair the damage to the auditorium].

Wolf's mother, Roberta Wolf, says the dancing is a "big plus" for her 28-year-old [retard], who works in the mailroom at Goldman Sachs. "He loves to dance, and any opportunity for a dance party [and tapioca] is the biggest draw for him," she says.

Malik's mother got tears in her eyes when she saw her 29-year-old son dancing for the first time [or rather, when she saw him "dancing," which is the most charitable way to refer to full-body conniption fits set to Cutting Crew's (I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight].


In an exercise last week, group members drew [crude, mishapen] hearts. Outside the hearts, they completed the sentence "I want somebody who looks like ..." ["Spaghetti-O's"]. Inside the hearts, they completed the sentence "I want somebody who treats me like..." ["a spatula"].


YAI President Philip Levy says the program speaks to a theory of Sigmund Freud: that a healthy person is a someone with the ability to work and love [and make macaroni pictures of unicorns].

"People need to feel that they belong, that they're a part of a community," Levy says. "That they're part of a relationship or relationships, and all of that contributes to a sense of self-esteem, to a sense of pride, to a sense of well-being [and decreases their tendencies to fly into full-on retard beserker fury, attacking everyone within thirty feet in a whirlwind of elbows, teeth, and flying drool]."

I apologize. I really do.

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posted by Ace at 08:24 PM

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