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February 11, 2006

Kanye West: I Should Be In The Bible

That sounds about right:

Cocky rap star KANYE WEST is calling for a revised edition of THE BIBLE, because he thinks he should be a character in it.

The JESUS WALKS hitmaker, who picked up three Grammy Awards last night (08FEB06), feels sure he'd be "a griot" (West African storyteller) in a modern Bible.

...

"I changed the sound of music more than one time... For all those reasons, I'd be a part of the Bible. I'm definitely in the history books already."

Tipster RCL cracks, "And here I was mistaking the wafer and wine for the Body of Christ during the Euchrist when I could have just walked down to the 7-11 and picked up a forty and chips."

Indeed.

Top Ten Changes In Kanye West Revised Bible

10. Jesus astounds crowds by turning water into gin n' juice

9. "Get behind me, Satan" now "I'll bust a nine in yo' ass, Satizzle"

8. Jesus begins Old School/New School gangsta feud by rapping that he's going to punk out the Pharisees and "sell their asses for sheckles" in the bazaar; sadly, "Biggie Simon" shot to death at an intersection with no witnesses

7. Sermon on the Mount revised to say "The meek, plus Kanye West, shall inherit the earth, but everyone will know who's in charge, because they're the meek, and he's Kanye West, fool"

6. Out: "I am the Way and the Light"
In: "I gots more ho's than Santa on chronic"

5. Jesus spared crucifixion because Kanye defeats Satan in a "rap off" with the "dopest, holiest rhymes"

4. Book of Matthew replaced by "guest rap" by Doctor Dre with special appearance by Li'l Kim

3. Joseph killed and his coat of many colors stolen and sold for meth

2. Apostles tour Middle East under stage name "MC Peter and the New Covenant Posse"

...and the Number One Change In the Kanye West Revised Bible...

1. Jesus turns loaves into fishes, but Kanye turns middling talent into half billion dollars; scholars throughout history debate which is the more improbable miracle



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posted by Ace at 11:59 AM

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