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January 16, 2006

Tom Cruise Gives Katie Holmes Special Present: DVDs Of Every Movie He's Made

Almost as touching a gesture as my giving my family leftover Ace of Spades t-shirts for Christmas.

Katie Holmes seems to have a "type," and that type is self-absorbed non-placaters.

"Each was inscribed with a special handwritten love message to the future mother of his child."
Dear Katie,

Just wanted you to know you're the sexiest person I've ever met, even hotter than the shirtless, oiled-up Rick Rossovich and Val Kilmer in the volleyball scene in Top Gun. Talk about a target-rich environment.

Sometimes, when I rewatch that scene, I think about you, for like two seconds. Then it's right back to masturbating with the repetitive mechanical fury of a misfiring industrial robot.

I "love" you, (nudge-nudge),

Tom, the future "father" of "our" children

PS: Bryan Brown is also really tasty in Cocktail.


And, in case you haven't heard, Hollywood is grabbing its ankles for Brokeback Mountain.

But not just Brokeback. They're aware the public may be annoyed at such praise lavished upon such a mediocre, tedious movie, and so they're heaping awards on other gay-themed movies as well.

Let's see... about 3% (at most) of the population is gay, and about 15% of the population is so gay-crazy they wonder if they're homophotes because they've never gotten around to having gay sex, just for the sake of same-sex solidarity.

18% of the public, then, is dying to see these movies. 82% are staying in to watch Monk and the the widescreen version of Kelly's Heroes on TBS.

Tentpole pictures, baby. I wonder why box office receipts are down with this sort of sure-fire strategy.

And yes, I know full well that only a tiny number of movies are gay themed. I'm overstating. But really, this demonstrates that Hollywood isn't really into the mass-entertainment business. Or at least they'd strongly prefer not to be. While there are a number of box-office whores left around like Joel Silver (and I use the term "box-office whore" here as a compliment), they really seem to want to make, and over-promote, movies just to impress their friends.

They always say make art that you yourself would like. But then, this is show business, not show kiss-up-to-Tim-Robbins-and-Meathead-from-All-in-the-Family.


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posted by Ace at 05:28 PM

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