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November 18, 2005

Washington Rocked As Another "Pro-War" Democrat Demands Withdrawal

Defection of Hawkish Dennis Kucinich Signals Shift In Public Sentiment On War

EXCLUSIVE. MUST CREDIT ACE.

W A S H I N G T O N -- Moderate, formerly pro-war ex-Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich shocked the Bush Administration yesterday by announcing his withdrawal of support for the war -- and his support of a withdrawal.

Washington media was abuzz about the defection. One ABCNews reporter noted that Kucinich has previously made "literally dozens" of speeches in which he showed his strong support for the war by not mentioning at all, choosing instead to rail against Walmart, Bush's tax cuts, or the war in Afghanistan.

Immediately dubbing the Patton-like figure "Bomber" Kucinich, the Washington press corps -- not all of whom have yet been diagnosed as mentally retarded -- speculated as to the ramifications of what they are calling "the Kucinich Moment."

The announcement couldn't come at a worse time for the Bush Administration, as Thurdsday is traditionally the day Washington reporters are allowed out of their assisted-living group homes to engage in "Esteem Activities" and "Adventure Walks," such as travelling to the local Popeye's chicken.

Reporters took a break from painting with watercolors to join the frenzy. A grizzled veteran of the Washington media paused as he sipped from his Juice Box and hinted darkly that it's all over for Bush. He then began screaming "I'm smaaaaaahhht! I'm smaaahhht!" like Fredo in The Godfather Part II until he was sedated with a retard-strength tranq gun.

White House staffers scrambled to contain the damage. Some commentators "questioned the timing" that Bush announced a Very Special T-Ball tournament for the weekend. The White House communications office admitted it had been caught flat-footed and had no idea how to push back against the media firestorm, but that the old methods -- ice cream and balloons -- might not be enough this time.

"If you've lost Dennis Kucinich, you've lost the heartland," one CBS reporter said as he ate a sandwich consisting of turkey, swiss, and a bowling shoe. He then offered his opinion that "Dinosaurs are neat."


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