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November 16, 2005
Document DumpIraqi Basic Training Extended From 14 To 24 Days And they're training themselves now, too: At the academy, recruits are taught hand-and-arm signals. All the instruction is in Arabic—no translator needed. Iraqi noncommissioned officers teach the course.
"I've got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is, carnivorous ants ate your eye out of its socket. The good news is, well, it's not like you were going to be winning any archery contests anyhow." Using a planetary environmental chamber – a tank that mimics the atmosphere, temperature, and pressure of other planets – the team exposed various concentrations of briny water to conditions that match Mars' colder, less pressurized environment. Based on these experiments, salty water, it seems, can exist as liquid on Mars. I'm just sayin'... what if we just f'n' shipped all the caribou in ANWR to Mars? We'd be giving them an entire planet. That is, until they die off (in 30 minutes) and start becoming oil. Then we drill the fuckers. Iran Warns Action on Nukes Could Have "Consequences" Memo to Iran: Threatening a country that already has the bomb could have "consequences," too.
Poland's new centre-right government has signalled its eagerness to become the key European partner for the Bush administration's controversial "son of Star Wars" missile defence shield. Less than a week after winning a vote of confidence in the Polish parliament, the new prime minister, Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, said the Polish authorities were discussing the plans with Washington. Memo to Russia: Maybe if you'd stop giving Iran missile and nuke technology we wouldn't have to build this sucker on your doorstep. 40-50 Thousand Total Enemies Killed In Iraq? LauraW. already posted this letter from Iraq, but I was delighted to read this: When they [the Iraqi "freedom fighters," who fight mainly to free schoolteachers of their heads] are engaged on an infantry level they get their asses kicked every time. Brave, but stupid.
Very, very important research, worth every dime they're spending on it. Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, which causes depression due to declining sunlight in the winter months, affects hamsters too. Confirming a long-held belief of mine: Never stick a hamster where the sun don't shine.
Archaeologists digging at the biblical home of Goliath have unearthed a shard of pottery bearing the Philistine's name, lending credence to the Biblical tale of David's battle. Also named on the pottery shard? Mid-eighties shit-rock balladeer Richard Marx. Archaeologists could offer no explanation, but did say "At least it wasn't Peter Fucking Cetera."
But their amazing story doesn't end there. One of the detainees, it turns out, had earlier removed a thorn from the lion's paw, and the lion declared, in a rich booming voice (not unlike that of James Earl Jones): "This Iraqi, he's... he's okay by me. No, really, he's a pretty good guy. So we will only eat his legs and genitals." But just as the somewhat-grateful lion was about to attack, the Iraqis were spirited away from the cage by leprechaun, who told them, "There is a pot at the end of the rainbow, and that pot is called 'multi-level marketing.' Have either of you ever considered selling products for Amway?" Although the men could offer no proof of their amazing magical adventures, the mainstream media was quick to parrot their charges, noting that their charges were "similar to charges leveled by other Iraqi detainees, as well as demented street-rummies and lunatics. So we're quite comfortable running with it." The men came forward after Mary Mapes put them in touch with officals at the DNC to "discuss political strategies against Bush."
Bracing for possible economic sanctions, Syrian officials urged citizens to stock up on Syrian products, such as "asssassination, terror, mass-murder, squalor, backwardness and barbarism." "We may have to tighten our belts a little," the Syrian Minister of Terror stated, "but we can always draw upon our Strategic Crazy Reserve in case things get really tough." Syria has been filling the Strategic Crazy Reserve since 1988. It is estimated to contain 1.8 million barrels of light sweet crazy. | Recent Comments
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GAINZZZ Thread: Slimming Down From a Mid-Fats to a Small-Fats
Quick Hits NPC Media Downloads New Programming: "AKSHUALLY ASSAULT RIFLES ARE NAZI WEAPONS, *BEEP*" Battle Beyond the Libs of TikTok Texas Department of Public Safety Admits: Waiting an Hour Before Taking Out an Armed Madman in a Room Full of Children Was Not the Optimal Call Princeton Fires Tenured Professor, For Daring to Object to Scheme to Give Extra Sabbatical Months to "Faculty of Color" Just for Being Black UVALDE DPS SPOKESMAN: WE DIDN'T GO IN TO KILL THE GUNMAN BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO GET SHOT, SO WE JUST KEPT HIM CONTAINED WITH THE CHILDREN The Morning Rant: Our Awful Media – A Never Ending Story Mid-Morning Art Thread The Morning Report - 5/27/22 Search
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