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October 17, 2005

Top Ten Signs Europeans Have Gone Batshit Crazy

10. Favorite Date-Movie In Iceland? The Shining; they say Jack Torrance "had a dream and wasn't disuaded by 'outdated social conventions' about following that dream;" they also liked all the snow

9. Famously-high Swedish suicide rate plummets, not because they've overcome their depression, but because their depression has become even worse; hanging oneself in the snowmobile garage now seems "just such a bother"

8. Soccer, or as Americans call it, "something children play until they're old enough for more serious contact sports, like minitature golf"

7. Highest-selling book in France is nationalistic screed titled The Primacy of France: Seriously, I'm Pretty Sure That St. Kitts and Tonga-Tonga Still Give A Shit About What We Think

6. European Space Agency vows it will accomplish one of either two European firsts: 1, to either "put a man on the moon by 2030" or, alternately, 2, to paint the European-produced Airbus with "wicked-ass flames along the nose" and "cool Boris Vallejo paintings of barbarians and busty Valkyries" to let the world know that European aviation kicks ass

5. French Academy of Arts decides its Jerry Lewis worship just isn't grabbing the attention it used to; votes greatest artistic achievement ever produced in previous century was Bats!, starring Lou Diamond Phillips (co-starring a lot of Bats!)

4. All of Europe vows to move to Alec Baldwin's house if Hillary wins the next election

3. "Yabooism" catches on among English upper classes; "British Country Hooligans" begin riots and random assaults at fox-hunts and steeplechases

2. Five Words: That Whole David Hasselhoff Thing

...and the Number One Sign that Europeans Are Batshit Crazy...

1. New conspiracy-theory documentary sweeps European box-offices, blaming 9-11 attacks on secret cabal led by, you guessed it, Bob Dole's cock



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