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August 08, 2005

Dan Rather Does Larry King

No, not like that, perverts.

In a dopey Larry King style News & Views bit of automatic writing, Rather lays upon us homespun gems of moronwisdom.

First, the typical Texas dustball/cornball shit:

You trust your mother. But you cut the cards anyway.

Always marry a woman from Texas. No matter how tough things get, she's seen tougher.

A guy I used to work with named Shorty Atkins was filled with these little pearls of wisdom. One was "Never lie down with a woman who has more troubles than you have." Which is not bad advice at all.

Uhhh, at least two of those are so old they actually pre-date Dan Rather. The first and last seem to come from the cliche bit of folksy wisdom, "Never play cards with a guy name Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never lie down with a woman who has more troubles than you."

The idiot's going to start quoting Garfield next. "If there's one thing my 40 years as a hard-news journalist has taught me, it's that lasagna is good, Mondays are bad, and never work with children or a big-eyed puppy named Odie."

Then he gets to his Hard News Dan/Super-Patriotic Dan schtick:

There's always been pressure to sit down, shut up, don't ask the tough questions. Go along to get along. Every administration has done it. But each succeeding administration has gotten better at it. If we aren't careful, the tradition in American journalism of "Be skeptical. Don't be intimidated. Don't be afraid to put tough questions to power" will be shaken. It'll be serious, something much bigger than journalism. The issue speaks to what kind of country we are and what kind of country we're going to become.

Nobody has more respect for the office of the presidency than I do.

Well, at least one person has more respect for the presidency: Lucy Ramirez, who had the guts to deliver those memos to Bill Burkett at a cattle show (through a shady intermediary, of course).

Another Psuedoratherism... But needs a content warning.

Dogstar brings teh x-rated funnay--

Here's another one:

"You can have a man in each hand, another one screwing your tits, a woman on your face and still feel like you haven't got a friend in the world."

My grandma used to say stuff like that all the time.

Mine too. I'll always remember the way gran-gran's house smelled... cinammon-topped baked apple pie, the world's best cocoa cooking on the stove, and the stank of sweat and sex from her work in granny gangbang films (be sure to check out her entire Bubbi Bukkake series).

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posted by Ace at 04:28 PM

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