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July 20, 2005

Elegy For A Chief Engineer

Oh Scotty, Montgomery Scott,
Master of Transporter Controls.
How we loved you.
They didn't let you command the ship very often,
but we know that's because Kirk knew you were
the fuckin' balls
and so he bitch-rapped you
like McCartney did to Pete Best
who was too good-looking
and so he got Ringo Starr
who was not.
Although he did bang Barbara Bach.

Of all the crewmen
not named Kirk, Spock, or McCoy
You were the only one who mattered
And you knew it.
Uhura was a glorified switchboard operator
and a fucking whore, too, if you ask me.
Sulu was a freaking idiot
who really thought he should have his own command
not realizing that getting one would take him off the show.
And the mop-top Russian
who said "wessels" instead of "vessels"
didn't do a goddamned thing.
At least Sulu got to take evasive action.
What the hell did Chekov do?
Nothing, that's what.
When he got killed
by the Earps
in Spectre of the Gun
no one cried
and no one seemed really to notice.
Three seconds after he died
and McCoy is yukking it up with Doc Holliday.
I was so fuckin' pissed off when that stupid little shit
came back to life.
I'm sure you were too.

But Scotty, O Captain, My Captain,
of the Engineering Deck, of course
Not of the full ship
You really busted some Klingon skulls in
The Trouble With Tribbles
because they called the Enterprise a garbage scow
and not because they said bad things about Kirk.
Who was, as I'm sure you know,
a bit of douche.
A cool douche, to be sure,
kind of like a star quarterback who's kind of likable
but a douche nevertheless.
You know what I'm sayin'.
You wrote a whole book about it.
I think it was called "Captain Kirk Can Suck My Fat One."

You're gone now
reporting for duty in that big Starfleet Academy in the Sky
I mean heaven
Not the actual Starfleet Academy, which is also in the sky
floating above the earth in geosynchronous orbit over San Francisco.
Sorry for the confusing analogy
But I'm sure you understand
you're in Heaven now
and probably enlightened and shit
and had your intelligence score raised to 22.

The only man in the history of Star Fleet
to wear a Red Shirt and live tell the tale
You're now wearing a white uniform
kind of like those queer uniforms in the first Star Trek movie
Only with a insignia in the shape of a Jesus Fish
and a phaser set to "love."
And you're not fat anymore
Cripes, did you blow up between Star Trek I and Wrath of Kahn
What the hell were you eating?
Buffets at Star Trek conventions are for snacking
not for saving money on food costs.

We will miss you.
You said "I donna have the power, Cap'n"
but you've got the power now
the power to descend down to earth and make people's lives turn out right
especially jealous and miserable bloggers
who really want to get a script read.
Do me a solid, buddy.
I owned your action figure
and I never made you have sex with another dude
like I did with Spock and the butt-headed alien
from The Menagerie.
Sick shit.
I made Spock pork his cerebellum.
I brought the Gorn in on the hot gay alien sex too
three-way skull-porking man-on-man-on-lizard action.
But not with you.
With you--
always with the respect.

So sit
Be comfortable
Have some tranya
and have some tranya for me.

Energize.
And Energize for Eternity.

(C) by Ace of Spades. Ace of Spades is the author of a critically-praised volume of Star Trek themed poetics, titled I Swear To God I Think I Saw A Flash of Yeoman Rand's Pooter in "Tomorrow Is Yesterday".

"Distracting Us From Rove-a-mania" Update! Lapsed Leftist wonders if Scotty's death is just yet another "coincidence" benefiting the Bush regime.

I, too, question the timing.

Loose Shit On You: I had to argue with you geeks about the proper title for the episode at the OK Corral. But no one seemed to pick up that I originally wrote, Sit, Be Well, Have Some Tranya.

Isn't it Sit, Be COMFORTABLE, Have some Tranya?

I think so. I could look it up, but I'm lazy. I'm going with it.


digg this
posted by Ace at 04:40 PM

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