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July 08, 2005

Live Another Day: A New James Bond Script

By George Galloway, George Soros, Michael Moore, Scott Ritter, and the entire Managing Board of the BBC. All Rights Reserved.

INT. M'S OFFICE -- DAY

An intercom buzzes, and JAMES BOND ENTERS through the rich leather-padded door.

M
Good morning, 007.

BOND
Good morning, ma'am.

M
I'm quite sure I don't need to brief you on the day's events.

BOND
I got my fill on the radio over from my flat. Dreadful business.

M
Indeed. The Empire has been attacked. We need your... singular talents.
(snaps a button; a picture slides up revealing a COMPUTER MONITOR, upon which is displayed SURVEILLANCE SNAPSHOTS of Al Qaeda terrorists)
They call themselves "The Secret Al Qaeda Organization of Europe." They are dedicated to killing as many British civilians as possible. Tanner has been liasing with MI-5; he can provide you with a full breifing.
(beat)
I want you to find them, 007. I want you to pick up their scent, hunt them down, infiltrate them.... Your mission, 007, is to find out--

BOND
If SPECTRE's behind them?

M
-- "Why do they hate us?"

BOND
(blinks silently)
What?

M
It's of the most vital urgency that we understand why they hate us.


BOND
Well... okay, I suppose. Get inside your enemy's head. I see. As Sun Tzu said: To destroy your enemy, you must think as he does.

M
Who said anything about "destroying" anyone? What kind of loose talk is that?

BOND
Well, I just sort of assumed...

M
Well for pity's sake don't. We're not that sort of organzation, 007. We don't just run around like cowboys gunning down whatever black hats we've deemed villain.

BOND
Sure we do. It's pretty much all I've done for twenty five years.

M
Not anymore. We are dedicated to the proposition that all conflict is the result of misunderstanding, and that all misunderstandings are presumptively our fault. It is your mission to terminate those misunderstandings -- with extreme predjudice.

BOND
Ah. I see where you're going with this. When you say "misunderstandings," you mean terrorists.

M
No, I mean misunderstandings. I want you to communicate with them, honestly and openly. And a little grovelling wouldn't hurt.

BOND
I'm sorry, isn't there someone else you can get for this? 005's a reliable enough man, and I know he reads The Guardian.

M
005 has been killed. He was captured in Syria two weeks ago and beheaded on Al Jazeera. I want you to bring his killers to justice.

BOND
And by justice, you mean...

M
The International Criminal Court at the Hague.

BOND
Umm, usually, see, I just sort of shoot them...

M
We'll have none of that talk of belligerent unilateralism on my watch.

BOND
It's not belligerent unilateralism. It's practicality. How the hell am I supposed to drug and carry six or seven adult men across international borders to the Hague?

M
You're a resourceful man. I'm sure you'll figure it out.
(beat)
This is a matter of the survival of the Kingdom. I trust you'll use all of your talents to bring it off smoothly.

BOND
I'll do my best.
(sardonically)
Or my... worst.

M
Except no kicking.

BOND
What?

M
No kicking of enemy combatants. Amnesty International says it's "akin to torture."

BOND
I can't kick in the middle of a fight?

M
No. They were quite specific. See, it says so right here in a white paper titled, "Enough with the kicking."

BOND
What about a knee to, you know, the balls? That's one of my signature moves. Usually I do it on some hulking Sumo wrestler upon whom it has virtually no effect, but it's important to establish how tough he is, so that my eventual triumph is all the more impressive.

M
Absolutely not. Page three: "And also, no knees to the balls. Don't even think about it."

BOND
Okay, look, let's say I punch someone in the stomach, and he doubles over, and then I just sort of, let's say, accidentally have his chin hit my knee....?

M
(glares)

BOND
Okay. Got it. No shooting. No kicking.

M
That said-- I don't want you to pull any punches on this one, Bond. Except that, actually, you should pull your punches, when a full-strength punch could result in the possibility of permanent damage to your opponent. But I'll leave that to your discretion.

BOND
I, uh, appreciate the latitude.

M
Good luck, 007. The mission's codename is-- Operation: Nuance.

BOND
(forcing a smile)
Catchy.

M
We think so.


INT. MONEYPENNY'S OFFICE -- DAY

Bond exits the office, still blinking from his odd briefing with M. But the sight of Moneypenny puts him in a different frame of mind. She's reading an article in Vanity Fair by Gore Vidal titled, "We Just Plain Suck."

BOND
Why Miss Moneypenny... how do we keep meeting like this?

MONEYPENNY
(under breath)
Bloody neocon Zionist fascist...

BOND
What?

MONEYPENNY
Nothing. I'm afraid I've got a bit of a cough. M wants you to see Q. He has some... interesting equipment for you.

BOND
As luck would have it, I'm already carrying some... special equipmen--

MONEYPENNY
Save it, mercenary. Don't violate me with your crude penis-oriented double-entendres.

BOND
I-- oh, never mind. I'll just pop down to see Q, then.

MONEYPENNY
(under breath)
And take your white Christian patriarchal hegemonic wars with you.

BOND
What?

MONEYPENNY
Another cough.

BOND
A rather long one. With words like "patriarchal" and "hegemonic" in it.

MONEYPENNY
Lot of it going 'round lately. Now fuck off, babykiller. But do understand I "support the troops."

BOND EXITS, a bit confused.


INT. Q'S LABORATORY-- DAY

Chaos rules in Q's lab as his assistants test various prototype devices out. One device is a radio-controlled model airplane with a bomb attached beneath its body. It BUZZES past Bond's head, then crashes into a target-dummy, EXPLODING.

Q
Ah, 007! Just thought I'd buzz you.

BOND
Thank God someone is still the same! Will I be getting one of those?

Q
Ah, no, sorry. I've made that for someone else.

BOND
009?

Q
No. The Palestinians.

BOND
What?

Q
Orders, you see. It's simply not fair that the Palestinians are to contend with high-tech American-supplied weaponry. Those guided missiles are taking out an awful lot of their terrorist leaders. So the UN has directed us to provide the Palestinians with lower-tech versions of that weaponry, to even the odds a bit.

BOND
So we're providing remote-controlled bombs to kill Israeli leaders?

Q
Of course not. The bomb's far too small. It's intended for use against children.
(taking out a grenade)
Now, this little device....

BOND
Did you say "children"?

Q
Yes. What of it?

BOND
Children. You're designing weapons to kill children.

Q
Jewish children, Bond. Not, you know, proper children. Now, as I was saying, this little grenade packs an interesting munition. We call it Empathy Gas. When you pull the pin, it expells a cloud of psychotropic gas which elevates the empathy levels in the target. Making them sympathic to their opponents, nearly to the point of subservience.

BOND
Well that will come in handy. What's the range?

Q
Zero.

BOND
Zero?

Q
Well for God's sake, Bond, you can't use this on opponents! That would violate the Geneva Protocols Against The Use of Insidious Gasses. You're supposed to pull the pin and inhale the gas yourself.

BOND
What the hell would that accomplish?

Q
(sarcastically)
Oh, nothing much at all, Bond. Just the little business of really understanding the historical grievances of your enemies.

BOND
I do understand them. They're psychopathic murder-cultists who have to be put down like rabid animals.

Q
Yes... which brings us to our next item.
(taking out gold Rolex diver's watch)
Now, this is an interesting little gadget. Capable of delivering a painful 5,000 volt charge whenever it senses that the wearer is attempting to racially profile a terrorist suspect or else harbors thoughts of "extremist" reactions to world terrorism...

BOND
I'm sorry-- what the crap is going on here? Are you kidding me with this?

Q
I never kid about my work, 007.
(hands Bond the watch)
Bear the inscription in mind.

(Bond turns over the watch to read the inscription:

CLOSE UP on inscription:

From a fight run away, and
Live another day.)

BOND
This is too much. Who the hell is writing this script, Neville Chamberlain?

Q
There. That's the movie's title. Cue the opening musical montage!

(LIGHTS FADE AND SILHOUTTED BODIES BEGIN DANCING, TUMBLING, AND UNDULATING TO SOFT-ROCK MUSIC.

THE BODIES ALL COVERED HEAD TO TOE IN GHOST-LIKE BURKAS.)

BOND
No.

(A "SEXY" SHAPELESS FORM BURNS THE BRITISH AND AMERICAN FLAGS.)

BOND
I will not be a part of this.

(A DOZEN NAKED, SILHOUTTED MALE DANCERS BEGIN CLUBBING THE BURKA-CLAD WOMEN. DAY-GLO LETTERING ON THE BURKAS SHINES TO SPELL OUT "MAKE NO IMPERIALIST JUDGMENTS.")

BOND
That's it. I'm off. This is the stupidest thing I've ever been in. It's worse than A View To A Kill.

HE WALKS OFF THE MONTAGE AS JOHN COUGAR MELLANCAMP BEGINS SINGING THE THEME "LIVE ANOTHER DAY."

BOND
(off screen)
There *will* be a re-write. Because this is all bollixed-up shite. The British publc won't stand for it.
(beat)
And... James Bond will return.


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posted by Ace at 07:32 AM

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