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April 26, 2005

Moby: I'll Do "Everything in [My] Power" to Make My Son Gay

Politically Correct 3: Politically Correct With a Vengeance:

I was talking to my friend Laura, who sings on [my latest] record, and we're both getting to the point where we want to start families. We're convinced that if we have children, we're going to do everything in our power to make them gay. Like maybe drinking a lot of extra soy milk while she's pregnant, or anything that would work to make that happen. I'd just rather have a really sharp, interesting, smart gay son than some big dumb hetero meathead.

Reductivist stereotypes aren't necessarily a bad thing. You just have to be enlightened enough to know who you're allowed to reduce to a moronic stereotype. As long as you're denigrating the "right" sort of people, have a party.

PS, Moby: Don't bother with the soy milk. Just spend a lot of time with him and play your album Ambient to get him ready for nappies. That, I should think, ought to do the trick.

Coming to the Oxygen Channel in 20 Years:

Not Of My Loins, the heart-wrenching true story of Moby and his son Christopher Fabulous Moby, as Christopher -- or Chris, as he prefers to be called -- finally stops trying to "pass" and tearfully confesses to his father that he 1, likes the pooter and 2, isn't very thrilled about ambient techno generally.

The scene where Christopher Fabulous/Chris breaks down and admits he really has no firm opinions on the home's drapes or the "punch" of color provided by the throw-pillows is especially poignant.

CHRIS: Dad, I'm just not the man you wanted me to be! I'm not like the other boys! Or rather, I guess I am!

MOBY: Aaaaaaggghh! Don't say this! You're ripping the heart out of me!

CHRIS: I'm not saying I hate Yaz, but pretty much I just dance to it because it seems to help when picking up chicks!

MOBY: God in Heaven! How could you have cursed me with this filthy pervert and his dirty hetero urges!

CHRIS: And for God's sake... Please stop making me watch Trading Spaces! I admit Genevieve has some nice jugs on her...

MOBY: JUGS! MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU BECOME!!!

CHRIS: ...but I honestly could not give a wet shit about milk-paint!

MOBY: Out of my house! Out of my house! I will not have a degenerate breeder share a roof with me!

CHRIS: Please! I just want you to love me as your son!

MOBY (coldly): My son is dead. My son died when he started watching The Speed Channel and Fox NFL Sunday.

CHRIS: But Howie Long is hot, Dad! Can't you at least admit I'm trying?

MOBY: Don't do me any favors, woman-lover. Get out, get out, GET OUT!!!

Good stuff. Can't wait.


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posted by Ace at 11:46 AM

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